I have a lot of personal rituals. Sometimes I wonder why I keep to them. But I am now reminded.
I am looking for a tie to wear at the funeral today. It's not where I left it last (fuck!), but instead I found my old ties from sixth form. There's the normal tie, the prefect level tie, and then, the super all powerful senior prefect tie. I was a senior prefect in college. I was given a lot of potential and rein. I was respected by pupils and students alike. I was liked by the rugby guys. I was one of the smart guys, I was part of a clique and I had the headmaster's good blessings.
That blue tie was everything to me once. I guess losing that power after college made me feel very down. And the rest, is as they say; history. Those ties made the memories flood back and gave me that sense of identity and pride. That tie represented more than a school position, it represented aspiration and status, and marked me as someone, something different. It marked me as someone who was tipped to be somebody one day.
That's where my disappointment comes from. Having that symbol of success heaped upon me and then losing the blessing of that tie's meaning. It was more than a tie, it was a rank of social status. It was a symbol of social mobility and aspiration. My parents from humble backgrounds would bear a son who would be better one day. I did not, and do not live up to that.
Pride does not become me. However, those memories were fond. They are going into my memory box. As a reminder of all those meanings.
I am looking for a tie to wear at the funeral today. It's not where I left it last (fuck!), but instead I found my old ties from sixth form. There's the normal tie, the prefect level tie, and then, the super all powerful senior prefect tie. I was a senior prefect in college. I was given a lot of potential and rein. I was respected by pupils and students alike. I was liked by the rugby guys. I was one of the smart guys, I was part of a clique and I had the headmaster's good blessings.
That blue tie was everything to me once. I guess losing that power after college made me feel very down. And the rest, is as they say; history. Those ties made the memories flood back and gave me that sense of identity and pride. That tie represented more than a school position, it represented aspiration and status, and marked me as someone, something different. It marked me as someone who was tipped to be somebody one day.
That's where my disappointment comes from. Having that symbol of success heaped upon me and then losing the blessing of that tie's meaning. It was more than a tie, it was a rank of social status. It was a symbol of social mobility and aspiration. My parents from humble backgrounds would bear a son who would be better one day. I did not, and do not live up to that.
Pride does not become me. However, those memories were fond. They are going into my memory box. As a reminder of all those meanings.
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