Today has not been very productive or a particularly good day. I binged, binged and binged some more. I've not binged like that since that time I bought £16 of chinese and ate it all in a night, plus a pizza; which was a few months back, but long enough ago for me to be stupid back then. I've binged a LOT. I purged twice today, It barely contained any food matter as I purged so It was vain.
At the moment my neighbours across the garden are having a very loud and late party. It looks quite fun. I like parties, young, fun loving people enjoying their lives. I'm 24 and I don't have much to celebrate or enjoy in my life.
I had a trigger today, two, actually.
Trigger 1: PhD girl.
PhD girl is a girl I met in a few places. I actually met her on a social networking site and messaged her when I found her somewhere else, I saw her in real life (at a munch) and I was really shy and nervous and introverted. Initially, she was having troubles with getting funding for her PhD project; she's polyamorous, intelligent, absolutely gorgeous and kinky and slutty (but in a good way). Oh, she's a 'feminist' and one of those 'leisure of the theory class' people. I would absolutely fall for a girl like that, and I worship everything about someone like that (oh and she arouses me physically too).
This girl upsets me, she upsets me on a whole range of levels. Its nothing personal against her as a person, but what she represents utterly forces me to realise how inadequate i am:
1. She's kinky and open with her heart and body - I'm not
2. She's a glamorous PhD researcher with funding - I'm not
3. She's involved with multiple partners - I'm involved with a pillow
4. She's perfect, thin and lives a life of decadence and sociality - I'm fat, self-resenting and I live in a room with my parents watching star trek and living an 'otto's notebook' stlye
5. She reminds me of everything i could have been, and everything I'm not
6. She's perfect and like girls I've often found to be perfect, she's unattainable.
7. PhD girl brings out all these personality traits that I have when I get my intellect out in the public. These are traits that are unique and I enter a very different psyche; it's like turning from Bruce Wayne into Batman. The thing is, I can't be batman anymore; the real world has no place for an intellectual like that. When it coms out I feel out of place in the world because I have this energy and intensity that I do not know where to place, so it fades like an erection without an orgasm; frustrated.
Lately I've felt that this firey intellectual side of me has to die. This part of me is dying. I feel it might be negative, and PhD girl's trigger has led me to consider that perhaps this personality of firey intensity is the true source of my downfall. Maybe I was on the right track when I was angst ridden and anxious and drugged up to my eyes.
I feel a little lost. Little boy lost. PhD girl was on a forum and I engaged in a discussion with her; she's looking to establish a research network and I got fired up and all these doors opened in my mind. All these references to books, all these old philosophers and academicians and scholars and thinkers and authors. It just exploded in my brain and it felt as if for a brief moment that I was the person I really needed to be, the person that I really am. I felt like I turned into a super saiyan.
Why are all the good ones unattainable? Finding a girl is like finding a job. I make the shortlist but never make the first choice
Trigger 2: rather not talk about it
I've purged twice today. I've noticed that purging makes me feel tired. I also observe that my neighbours are listening to some pretty old school music; psychedelia, blues, bob dylan, 60s, funk; all accessible, all po na na style DJing
At the moment my neighbours across the garden are having a very loud and late party. It looks quite fun. I like parties, young, fun loving people enjoying their lives. I'm 24 and I don't have much to celebrate or enjoy in my life.
I had a trigger today, two, actually.
Trigger 1: PhD girl.
PhD girl is a girl I met in a few places. I actually met her on a social networking site and messaged her when I found her somewhere else, I saw her in real life (at a munch) and I was really shy and nervous and introverted. Initially, she was having troubles with getting funding for her PhD project; she's polyamorous, intelligent, absolutely gorgeous and kinky and slutty (but in a good way). Oh, she's a 'feminist' and one of those 'leisure of the theory class' people. I would absolutely fall for a girl like that, and I worship everything about someone like that (oh and she arouses me physically too).
This girl upsets me, she upsets me on a whole range of levels. Its nothing personal against her as a person, but what she represents utterly forces me to realise how inadequate i am:
1. She's kinky and open with her heart and body - I'm not
2. She's a glamorous PhD researcher with funding - I'm not
3. She's involved with multiple partners - I'm involved with a pillow
4. She's perfect, thin and lives a life of decadence and sociality - I'm fat, self-resenting and I live in a room with my parents watching star trek and living an 'otto's notebook' stlye
5. She reminds me of everything i could have been, and everything I'm not
6. She's perfect and like girls I've often found to be perfect, she's unattainable.
7. PhD girl brings out all these personality traits that I have when I get my intellect out in the public. These are traits that are unique and I enter a very different psyche; it's like turning from Bruce Wayne into Batman. The thing is, I can't be batman anymore; the real world has no place for an intellectual like that. When it coms out I feel out of place in the world because I have this energy and intensity that I do not know where to place, so it fades like an erection without an orgasm; frustrated.
Lately I've felt that this firey intellectual side of me has to die. This part of me is dying. I feel it might be negative, and PhD girl's trigger has led me to consider that perhaps this personality of firey intensity is the true source of my downfall. Maybe I was on the right track when I was angst ridden and anxious and drugged up to my eyes.
I feel a little lost. Little boy lost. PhD girl was on a forum and I engaged in a discussion with her; she's looking to establish a research network and I got fired up and all these doors opened in my mind. All these references to books, all these old philosophers and academicians and scholars and thinkers and authors. It just exploded in my brain and it felt as if for a brief moment that I was the person I really needed to be, the person that I really am. I felt like I turned into a super saiyan.
Why are all the good ones unattainable? Finding a girl is like finding a job. I make the shortlist but never make the first choice
Trigger 2: rather not talk about it
I've purged twice today. I've noticed that purging makes me feel tired. I also observe that my neighbours are listening to some pretty old school music; psychedelia, blues, bob dylan, 60s, funk; all accessible, all po na na style DJing
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