I'm BORED!!
I can't believe I'm saying that. It's the most unusual thing I've ever had to say as a complaint. This is really me complaining in a weird way. I'm bored, bored bored. I've seen almost all of the episodes of skins. I probably started season 4 like yesterday night and now I've almost finished it. I have spent/wasted a great deal of my day watching skins. On the flip side, I have cleared up a lot of the 'baggage' in my schedule, which is positive. I'm not behind, and I've cleared up enough tasks to make the next few days a little less cluttered with tasks.
Something feels weird inside me today. Part of it is watching skins. I am starting to feel emotions that I have forgotten for so long. I love thecharacters, I feel for them and find them human. It's not all weird and fucked up like the characters in my head. I feel like its okay to have fun and have friends in life. I've perhaps forgotten about my friends. I lost my best friend in september, we broke up. Being reminded of friends and love has rekindled that hold in me. Talking of holes, I feel that part of the reason that I'm feeling so listless and bored is because so many of my rituals and 'hobbies' and things I do for fun/pleasure involve either eating or wanking. Going to the chinese, eating ice cream, snacking on cake, pulling off a cheese string, making a sandwich, munching a biscuit, and so on. It is all around food. Everything seems to be so intensely focused on food.
My mum has gone off on holiday this week, for a fortnight. Today, I have attended to the clothes, washed them, hanged them out, folded them up. It was just as something to do. I feel like going down to the sainsburys and buying various things that I don't really need. I want to go just out of boredom and wanting to leave the house. My life is empty in a way that I've not even remembered. I was so into my own head that I masked my boredom with msn, youtube, wanking and eating+star trek.
I've applied to one job, and searched a shit load of other things. I feel a whole mix of feelings and I do not think they are consistent. I feel:
1. Listless - no motivation
2. Bored - I want to do something
3. Stressed- I need a job
4. Anxious - My life is empty and passing too quickly
5. Depressed - I got rejected from the PhD and I am reminded about my ex since its july, july has many memories of my past love.
6. Lonely - I don't have anyone to talk to
There's a big piece of carrot cake downstairs that is seducing me. There's a fried bit of semolina lined fish also mocking me. I can smell the odours of the chinese takeaway a couple of roads down. and I almost hear the nearby fish and chippy taunting me for lustful relations with their battered cod. Sometimes I say to the voice in my head 'if you are so smart, why are you a creation of my own head?'.
Then I am left with silence. I could try to fill this hole with computer games. I have a hole, a void. I am tempted, teased, aroused toward filling that hole with eating. As I engage upon this new diet I've embarked upon, I am learning new things about myself. Food is my way to compensate for this hole in my life. Weight loss I thought would fill the hole I saw was there, but really, it makes me more aware of it, because I am not filling that void with eating. I'm not sure what I want to do. I want to do something social, I want to do something with friends. I want to be out of the house and living a life. At the least, I want to be playing a nice computer game and having a laugh. Suddenly as I was typing I thought to myself: 'hmmm KP skips'. Food is like an orgasm every bite. I need to be celebate to indulgence. Some indulence is fine, like the lovely special K breakfast I had, or those three buns with ketchup and frankfurter. If I had a faster metabolism I'd be able to process this food better. However, I do not, so the only way to lose this weight is to avoid eating. It sounds simple in principle but I'm very very tempted right now.
I can't believe I'm saying that. It's the most unusual thing I've ever had to say as a complaint. This is really me complaining in a weird way. I'm bored, bored bored. I've seen almost all of the episodes of skins. I probably started season 4 like yesterday night and now I've almost finished it. I have spent/wasted a great deal of my day watching skins. On the flip side, I have cleared up a lot of the 'baggage' in my schedule, which is positive. I'm not behind, and I've cleared up enough tasks to make the next few days a little less cluttered with tasks.
Something feels weird inside me today. Part of it is watching skins. I am starting to feel emotions that I have forgotten for so long. I love thecharacters, I feel for them and find them human. It's not all weird and fucked up like the characters in my head. I feel like its okay to have fun and have friends in life. I've perhaps forgotten about my friends. I lost my best friend in september, we broke up. Being reminded of friends and love has rekindled that hold in me. Talking of holes, I feel that part of the reason that I'm feeling so listless and bored is because so many of my rituals and 'hobbies' and things I do for fun/pleasure involve either eating or wanking. Going to the chinese, eating ice cream, snacking on cake, pulling off a cheese string, making a sandwich, munching a biscuit, and so on. It is all around food. Everything seems to be so intensely focused on food.
My mum has gone off on holiday this week, for a fortnight. Today, I have attended to the clothes, washed them, hanged them out, folded them up. It was just as something to do. I feel like going down to the sainsburys and buying various things that I don't really need. I want to go just out of boredom and wanting to leave the house. My life is empty in a way that I've not even remembered. I was so into my own head that I masked my boredom with msn, youtube, wanking and eating+star trek.
I've applied to one job, and searched a shit load of other things. I feel a whole mix of feelings and I do not think they are consistent. I feel:
1. Listless - no motivation
2. Bored - I want to do something
3. Stressed- I need a job
4. Anxious - My life is empty and passing too quickly
5. Depressed - I got rejected from the PhD and I am reminded about my ex since its july, july has many memories of my past love.
6. Lonely - I don't have anyone to talk to
There's a big piece of carrot cake downstairs that is seducing me. There's a fried bit of semolina lined fish also mocking me. I can smell the odours of the chinese takeaway a couple of roads down. and I almost hear the nearby fish and chippy taunting me for lustful relations with their battered cod. Sometimes I say to the voice in my head 'if you are so smart, why are you a creation of my own head?'.
Then I am left with silence. I could try to fill this hole with computer games. I have a hole, a void. I am tempted, teased, aroused toward filling that hole with eating. As I engage upon this new diet I've embarked upon, I am learning new things about myself. Food is my way to compensate for this hole in my life. Weight loss I thought would fill the hole I saw was there, but really, it makes me more aware of it, because I am not filling that void with eating. I'm not sure what I want to do. I want to do something social, I want to do something with friends. I want to be out of the house and living a life. At the least, I want to be playing a nice computer game and having a laugh. Suddenly as I was typing I thought to myself: 'hmmm KP skips'. Food is like an orgasm every bite. I need to be celebate to indulgence. Some indulence is fine, like the lovely special K breakfast I had, or those three buns with ketchup and frankfurter. If I had a faster metabolism I'd be able to process this food better. However, I do not, so the only way to lose this weight is to avoid eating. It sounds simple in principle but I'm very very tempted right now.
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