My current weight is 223.8 lbs.
I don't know why. Yesterday I gave a list of what I ate, I forgot to add that I also had some special K and a sea bass fillet in the last post. 223.8 is an unbelievable weight and I don't feel thinner. However, it's a welcome step forward and I must admit that I may regain a pound or two any time just normally. I'll try to be good and pure and eat within my calorie limit. Maybe I'll get lower still and go to the 200lb point. I will then start to wear my body a little more proudly and hope to get to 180, then 160 then 140 perhaps!
I've got a lot to think about today and tomorrow. Weight is in a sense, the least of my worries. Interview later, then getting home. I'll try to consume some productive time as I get back before I head off to the comedy night. I hope they have my name on a list or something cos I don't technically have a ticket. That reminds me that I should check my balance. I did a stupid thing yesterday, I swiped my oyster card thinking that I already swiped it, but it charged me, and propably charged maximum fare. Fuck.
I'm going to get my pity coins from my box next to my desk and trade up for some monies at the sainsburys coinstar machine. I was in my mind last night. In a place that I call the 'domain of self'. It's this world in my own head, where there are different versions of me there, in constant conversation. This might not make sense to you, but we were all having this fight against mia as an externalised person. All of us teamed up together, every version of my adult self. I counted about 7 of them, 7 archetypes:
The sixth form me - ambitious, foppy haired and true
The first year me - empty, depressed and hopeless#
The second year me - also like first year but now anxious but a little positive
The 'transition' me - In second year I met some friends and rediscovered hope again, but it was still tough living as him
Third year me - suicide attempt, nuthouse, fat, etc
mia me - when I had mia in 2007 and I got obsessed over Marie, thinnest I've ever been
Antonia me - the me when I was lost and out of uni but loved her, i even know the jacket he wears
Present me - I'm a descendent of all of them, I've fought each version in my mind and they all pose different challenges. They fought their various battles so that I'd be where I am now. I must continue the fight to make them proud, and make myself proud.
Some of those Me's I've not liked, over time I came to like them, some of them I still haven't decided about, andthe most recent transition (Antonia me) I'm still dealing with in my head. I visualised all of them fighting mia, but then she separated them, divide and conquer, to keep me captive and hurt me, but then one volunteer from the other group was brave or stupid) enough to save me, it was the 17-18 year old me. In that horrible green waistcoat, those chelsea boots (a style which I still wear to this day -funny that) and his virgin grin came to try and save me.
Maybe that symbolic mental battle last night represents something deeper in me, a deeper change. Time will tell, all I know however, is that today I have a chance to make things right. This job interview is my hope to get into paid emmployment, make money, and buy all those things I need. Then maybe I can get a social life, make friends, meet people, enjoy the fruits of the city, and get a new life together.
The new life requires a new body, so I must be working on all fronts; like how those versions of me fought to preserve me. They fought hard, I must continue the fight.
Thank you, past versions of me. You got me to this point. I'm going to now take you further.
I don't know why. Yesterday I gave a list of what I ate, I forgot to add that I also had some special K and a sea bass fillet in the last post. 223.8 is an unbelievable weight and I don't feel thinner. However, it's a welcome step forward and I must admit that I may regain a pound or two any time just normally. I'll try to be good and pure and eat within my calorie limit. Maybe I'll get lower still and go to the 200lb point. I will then start to wear my body a little more proudly and hope to get to 180, then 160 then 140 perhaps!
I've got a lot to think about today and tomorrow. Weight is in a sense, the least of my worries. Interview later, then getting home. I'll try to consume some productive time as I get back before I head off to the comedy night. I hope they have my name on a list or something cos I don't technically have a ticket. That reminds me that I should check my balance. I did a stupid thing yesterday, I swiped my oyster card thinking that I already swiped it, but it charged me, and propably charged maximum fare. Fuck.
I'm going to get my pity coins from my box next to my desk and trade up for some monies at the sainsburys coinstar machine. I was in my mind last night. In a place that I call the 'domain of self'. It's this world in my own head, where there are different versions of me there, in constant conversation. This might not make sense to you, but we were all having this fight against mia as an externalised person. All of us teamed up together, every version of my adult self. I counted about 7 of them, 7 archetypes:
The sixth form me - ambitious, foppy haired and true
The first year me - empty, depressed and hopeless#
The second year me - also like first year but now anxious but a little positive
The 'transition' me - In second year I met some friends and rediscovered hope again, but it was still tough living as him
Third year me - suicide attempt, nuthouse, fat, etc
mia me - when I had mia in 2007 and I got obsessed over Marie, thinnest I've ever been
Antonia me - the me when I was lost and out of uni but loved her, i even know the jacket he wears
Present me - I'm a descendent of all of them, I've fought each version in my mind and they all pose different challenges. They fought their various battles so that I'd be where I am now. I must continue the fight to make them proud, and make myself proud.
Some of those Me's I've not liked, over time I came to like them, some of them I still haven't decided about, andthe most recent transition (Antonia me) I'm still dealing with in my head. I visualised all of them fighting mia, but then she separated them, divide and conquer, to keep me captive and hurt me, but then one volunteer from the other group was brave or stupid) enough to save me, it was the 17-18 year old me. In that horrible green waistcoat, those chelsea boots (a style which I still wear to this day -funny that) and his virgin grin came to try and save me.
Maybe that symbolic mental battle last night represents something deeper in me, a deeper change. Time will tell, all I know however, is that today I have a chance to make things right. This job interview is my hope to get into paid emmployment, make money, and buy all those things I need. Then maybe I can get a social life, make friends, meet people, enjoy the fruits of the city, and get a new life together.
The new life requires a new body, so I must be working on all fronts; like how those versions of me fought to preserve me. They fought hard, I must continue the fight.
Thank you, past versions of me. You got me to this point. I'm going to now take you further.
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