I believe in the values of the enlightenment. This involves:
1. Freedom of expression (within certain limitations, what these are do not matter right now)
2. An approach that maintains that any topic is not off the boundaries of acceptable conversation: be it sex, politics, religious metaphysics, or social issues.
3. Criticism is not only important for the functioning of social bodies, but necessary.
I thoguht it was good to embody those values in the conduct of my thought. But this led to an undisciplined version of me. I followed thoughts on a whim, and delved into the darkest and deepest of my mind. I led myself without any boundary to making myself feel upset, and I did not focus my thoughts. One you are at one place, it means you are not at another. So, when I was laying in my bed, crying masturbating, daydreaming of marie and when things would get better, fantasising about what kind of man she would ilke me to be, or what kind of person I had to be to get her attention; I was not studying, applying for PhDs, sitting at the library doing the hard slog, reading journals, writing draft essays, or planning the day on a schedule that was reasonable to work in.
I'm not sure exactly when it was, but I estimate it to be some time around March or April of this year; when I decided to establish a schedule. At first the schedule had problems and at some weeks I just ignored it; leaving me even less inclined to obey the schedule, as I was worried of the stuff I haven't done already, and ignoring it seemed to be the only way out of not worrying about it.
I put things off too much. I left things in the air, unresolved, unattended, and I still have that problem. I think that in terms of the flaws that people have as characters, they stay there forever. But it is up to the habitual learner to overcome them through ritual, through suppression and practice.
I am a slothful person, to react to that, I push myself further (sometimes), and I am hard on myself (sometimes)
I am disorganised, so I make a calendar in order to work on it
I am forgetful, so the calendar reminds me of all the tasks in the day, and allows me to set future tasks.
I have poor physical hygiene, so I routinely set the task of grooming myself; this involves scrubbing my feet every three weeks; shaving every day, and tidying up my bed every morning. I also have set myself (as of yesterday, and to the request of my dentist) brushing my teeth twice a day.
After this practice of routine behaviour, I have eventually found that the routine becomes self-perpetuating, my teeth and shaving habits have improved, and my bed is tidy. I am always finding new flaws to expose and improve upon. Although I do not like criticism, it normally takes a major transgression on my part to expose a flaw.
I have thus decided, as a way to cope with life, to religiously follow the routines and rituals that I have set myself; it is order that maintains civility and humanity. Without order, I become who I used to be, fat, untidy, slothful, unsuccessful, a failure.
Not to say that I am not those things anymore but I shouldlike to think that I am not contributing towards my flaws anymore. I think it is like waxing. I am taking out the culmination of those things that my flaws have created, and hopefully, eventually, through the rituals, I will strike at a few roots and get less of those hairy problems and flaws arising, so long as I maintain this self-critical and self-improving routine.
As an aside, I am quite unhappy with my shoulder and back hair. I need someone to wax me, I can only go so far waxing on my own. I hope all of the roots are eradicated by waxing... (non figuratively speaking)
1. Freedom of expression (within certain limitations, what these are do not matter right now)
2. An approach that maintains that any topic is not off the boundaries of acceptable conversation: be it sex, politics, religious metaphysics, or social issues.
3. Criticism is not only important for the functioning of social bodies, but necessary.
I thoguht it was good to embody those values in the conduct of my thought. But this led to an undisciplined version of me. I followed thoughts on a whim, and delved into the darkest and deepest of my mind. I led myself without any boundary to making myself feel upset, and I did not focus my thoughts. One you are at one place, it means you are not at another. So, when I was laying in my bed, crying masturbating, daydreaming of marie and when things would get better, fantasising about what kind of man she would ilke me to be, or what kind of person I had to be to get her attention; I was not studying, applying for PhDs, sitting at the library doing the hard slog, reading journals, writing draft essays, or planning the day on a schedule that was reasonable to work in.
I'm not sure exactly when it was, but I estimate it to be some time around March or April of this year; when I decided to establish a schedule. At first the schedule had problems and at some weeks I just ignored it; leaving me even less inclined to obey the schedule, as I was worried of the stuff I haven't done already, and ignoring it seemed to be the only way out of not worrying about it.
I put things off too much. I left things in the air, unresolved, unattended, and I still have that problem. I think that in terms of the flaws that people have as characters, they stay there forever. But it is up to the habitual learner to overcome them through ritual, through suppression and practice.
I am a slothful person, to react to that, I push myself further (sometimes), and I am hard on myself (sometimes)
I am disorganised, so I make a calendar in order to work on it
I am forgetful, so the calendar reminds me of all the tasks in the day, and allows me to set future tasks.
I have poor physical hygiene, so I routinely set the task of grooming myself; this involves scrubbing my feet every three weeks; shaving every day, and tidying up my bed every morning. I also have set myself (as of yesterday, and to the request of my dentist) brushing my teeth twice a day.
After this practice of routine behaviour, I have eventually found that the routine becomes self-perpetuating, my teeth and shaving habits have improved, and my bed is tidy. I am always finding new flaws to expose and improve upon. Although I do not like criticism, it normally takes a major transgression on my part to expose a flaw.
I have thus decided, as a way to cope with life, to religiously follow the routines and rituals that I have set myself; it is order that maintains civility and humanity. Without order, I become who I used to be, fat, untidy, slothful, unsuccessful, a failure.
Not to say that I am not those things anymore but I shouldlike to think that I am not contributing towards my flaws anymore. I think it is like waxing. I am taking out the culmination of those things that my flaws have created, and hopefully, eventually, through the rituals, I will strike at a few roots and get less of those hairy problems and flaws arising, so long as I maintain this self-critical and self-improving routine.
As an aside, I am quite unhappy with my shoulder and back hair. I need someone to wax me, I can only go so far waxing on my own. I hope all of the roots are eradicated by waxing... (non figuratively speaking)
No comments:
Post a Comment