This week I think that I shall acknowledge a small step forward in what is the pessimism of my life. I have recieved two messages from nice girls on social networking sites. Although in a sense they have similarities to my ex; I acknowledge that they may not be looking for anything serious and they like me because they find me in some part physically attractive.
The other thing I am ashamed to admit is that they are looking at pictures from my bulimia phase. People seemed to think I was sexier when I was bulimic. That very thought is a temptation to revert back. In other news this week, I have been upping my training regime, and last week I did (as it was noted), 135 minutes, on wednesday I did light training with my buddies which lasted 45 minutes, which included a .5 k sprint and my new personal best of 75 situps. Just now I have come back from shouting at my dad for his slothful nature, as well as reflecting negatively on my own sloth.
I am angry at my dad for being so lazy, more angry at him, I am angry at myself for his laziness affecting me. I want to be the better person and encourage him to be a better person. It is challenging as my dad is a stubborn man. I hate the realisation that my da is very much the flawed person which reflects that I am also similarly flawed. I want to improve, and its difficult. My training session today included some chest presses, about 35 situps and 5 laps around the marsh. I haven't calculated the distance exactly but I suspect that the distance is 5k.
I am now warming down. I feel that I am less articulate in the expression of my thoughts. I am not posting as much, and I feel like I could get to writing something creative, prose or poetic. I need to fit it into my schedule. I have found my schedule to be quite daunting. A single day lasts longer than a single unit of time that it should be. It feels like a phase, I feel that a lot of time has passed since I have been beyond the socailly acceptable answer of 'what do you do?'.
I feel like deep down I want to emotionally invst and put my bets on those two girls who messaged me on the social networking site. I feel desperate to be loved and to be wanted again. Last night I allowed myself to reminisce little things about being in a relationship. I felt a bit in control unlike the trigger of the friday previous (when I ate takeaway chinese). It is still distressing to remember the fondness of being loved and having someone to love. The crazy girl (I think I named her Helen in a previous post) called me at 9pm last night, essentially saying nothing at all but wanting someone to talk to. I felt distant, like the boy I used to be, inadequate and twiddling one's thumbs. The crazy girl was saying how she was networking with other girls who were victims of this particular sexual offence that she ws, and she was going to help them (explicitly with the caveat that they would promise to help her in return).
I remember this girl at university. I told her that I had a breakup which was related to why I was living with my parents. The girl then said how she relates to how I feel, she once had a boyfriend at uni for 5 weeks and then they split up after they graduated. I wanted to say quite bluntly: "NO, I don't think it is the same to compare your relationship of 5 weeks to my 2 year ordeal".
I have sent off more applications and I did wake up earlier than my poor record of 11am. I feel like I have my feelings more under control and a friend of mine who I talk to online said that she allows herself a specficit amount of time in the day to feel down, and then gets back to her routine. After hearing that note of assurance. I have allocated times for myself to allow all those thoughts to air; those thoughts that I give suppression in order to survive life.
The other thing I am ashamed to admit is that they are looking at pictures from my bulimia phase. People seemed to think I was sexier when I was bulimic. That very thought is a temptation to revert back. In other news this week, I have been upping my training regime, and last week I did (as it was noted), 135 minutes, on wednesday I did light training with my buddies which lasted 45 minutes, which included a .5 k sprint and my new personal best of 75 situps. Just now I have come back from shouting at my dad for his slothful nature, as well as reflecting negatively on my own sloth.
I am angry at my dad for being so lazy, more angry at him, I am angry at myself for his laziness affecting me. I want to be the better person and encourage him to be a better person. It is challenging as my dad is a stubborn man. I hate the realisation that my da is very much the flawed person which reflects that I am also similarly flawed. I want to improve, and its difficult. My training session today included some chest presses, about 35 situps and 5 laps around the marsh. I haven't calculated the distance exactly but I suspect that the distance is 5k.
I am now warming down. I feel that I am less articulate in the expression of my thoughts. I am not posting as much, and I feel like I could get to writing something creative, prose or poetic. I need to fit it into my schedule. I have found my schedule to be quite daunting. A single day lasts longer than a single unit of time that it should be. It feels like a phase, I feel that a lot of time has passed since I have been beyond the socailly acceptable answer of 'what do you do?'.
I feel like deep down I want to emotionally invst and put my bets on those two girls who messaged me on the social networking site. I feel desperate to be loved and to be wanted again. Last night I allowed myself to reminisce little things about being in a relationship. I felt a bit in control unlike the trigger of the friday previous (when I ate takeaway chinese). It is still distressing to remember the fondness of being loved and having someone to love. The crazy girl (I think I named her Helen in a previous post) called me at 9pm last night, essentially saying nothing at all but wanting someone to talk to. I felt distant, like the boy I used to be, inadequate and twiddling one's thumbs. The crazy girl was saying how she was networking with other girls who were victims of this particular sexual offence that she ws, and she was going to help them (explicitly with the caveat that they would promise to help her in return).
I remember this girl at university. I told her that I had a breakup which was related to why I was living with my parents. The girl then said how she relates to how I feel, she once had a boyfriend at uni for 5 weeks and then they split up after they graduated. I wanted to say quite bluntly: "NO, I don't think it is the same to compare your relationship of 5 weeks to my 2 year ordeal".
I have sent off more applications and I did wake up earlier than my poor record of 11am. I feel like I have my feelings more under control and a friend of mine who I talk to online said that she allows herself a specficit amount of time in the day to feel down, and then gets back to her routine. After hearing that note of assurance. I have allocated times for myself to allow all those thoughts to air; those thoughts that I give suppression in order to survive life.
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