Going to the book event today made me feel a lot of unease and anxiety. The first thing that set it off was leaving the house, I felt scared of leaving the house and I wanted to go back to my comfort space. I am living and thinking too comfortably. As I walked further down the road after my house, I saw a violent scene. There were some ethnic minority guys holding up some traffic by a junction as they were offloading right on the corner (very bad). A taxi hooted at them, and one of the hoodlums threw his drink at the car. The driver stopped and began a conflict. My dad was once attacked on that junction by means of a similar incident.
As I went further down the train station I felt a sense of isolation. I felt a sense of lonliness and I felt a coldness. I felt like I wanted to escape. I felt a sense of panic. There were some problems with the tube station. Some kind of violent conflict or terrorist incident. I shall look it up on the news later. This meant that I had to change my route and I got lost on my way there. It was starting to get dark and everyone was walking in the city. It was around rush hour time and everyone was going home.
I managed to find my way to the book shop and I felt uncomfortable as the man next to me was overweight and taking over the seat that I was on with his obesity. I had kept an uncomfortable position throughout the duration of the presentation so I was quite keen on going home soon after it ended. I was not terribly interested in having my books signed by those hacks.
Upon going home, I realise that there were lots of similar clothed people to me on the tube. That was somewhat amusing. Someone on the train also had the same book reader as I. I've never seen that before. It was nice to look at how attractive the women on the tube were. They varied in social class and age. The tube is a great equaliser. I could have been a prestigious PhD student doing some scholarly pursuit of truth; or I could have been a guy who has been unemployed for a year and a bit: they do not judge on the tube. No one even looks at you.
I ate McDonalds on the way home. It was my guilty shame. My comfort food. I have done this a few times since I have moved back to my parents. I have begun to make a measure of how far I go before I finish the chips, and then the burger. My normal order is 2x regular fries and 2x cheeseburgers. My anxiety is growing a bit when I go outside. I feel afraid to immerse in the real world, which makes me think that I am perhaps afraid of success.
I gave a text to my ex. I wanted to say: I miss you, I love you, please come back, please take me back, please love me.
It would not have helped me, or her. So I just said what I did today.
My mum is incessantly annoying. She keeps giving imperatives to me, ordering me about. Telling me how to do things. I think that she is deperately trying to claim some atuhority as she has lost some, given that she has retired and I'm the only child of hers that lives with them now.
My thoughts must not be expressed without editing. I must write, and accept the edited story. The story that avoids the darkness and the story that emphasises the positives.
And so I end this entry.
As I went further down the train station I felt a sense of isolation. I felt a sense of lonliness and I felt a coldness. I felt like I wanted to escape. I felt a sense of panic. There were some problems with the tube station. Some kind of violent conflict or terrorist incident. I shall look it up on the news later. This meant that I had to change my route and I got lost on my way there. It was starting to get dark and everyone was walking in the city. It was around rush hour time and everyone was going home.
I managed to find my way to the book shop and I felt uncomfortable as the man next to me was overweight and taking over the seat that I was on with his obesity. I had kept an uncomfortable position throughout the duration of the presentation so I was quite keen on going home soon after it ended. I was not terribly interested in having my books signed by those hacks.
Upon going home, I realise that there were lots of similar clothed people to me on the tube. That was somewhat amusing. Someone on the train also had the same book reader as I. I've never seen that before. It was nice to look at how attractive the women on the tube were. They varied in social class and age. The tube is a great equaliser. I could have been a prestigious PhD student doing some scholarly pursuit of truth; or I could have been a guy who has been unemployed for a year and a bit: they do not judge on the tube. No one even looks at you.
I ate McDonalds on the way home. It was my guilty shame. My comfort food. I have done this a few times since I have moved back to my parents. I have begun to make a measure of how far I go before I finish the chips, and then the burger. My normal order is 2x regular fries and 2x cheeseburgers. My anxiety is growing a bit when I go outside. I feel afraid to immerse in the real world, which makes me think that I am perhaps afraid of success.
I gave a text to my ex. I wanted to say: I miss you, I love you, please come back, please take me back, please love me.
It would not have helped me, or her. So I just said what I did today.
My mum is incessantly annoying. She keeps giving imperatives to me, ordering me about. Telling me how to do things. I think that she is deperately trying to claim some atuhority as she has lost some, given that she has retired and I'm the only child of hers that lives with them now.
My thoughts must not be expressed without editing. I must write, and accept the edited story. The story that avoids the darkness and the story that emphasises the positives.
And so I end this entry.
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