Today, I have been putting CDs from their physical format into a hard disk drive, this is a scheme I have to box up all of my dad's compact discs to pave the way for my book collection, which is presently in the shed. I have been, since Friday, sitting in front of my computer, putting in CDs, burning and waiting for the next one. It led me to some interesting memories of the past decade.
When 1999 happened, I was 13, I was a post-prepubescent during the millennium, in the dawn of the next decade, I am still in a teen like state, being dependent on my parents financially and in all other respects. I am still in the womb, with the umbilical cord very well attached to me. I remembered some things today:
1. Star wars episode 1: it was on today, I was reminded of the excitement and later lack of excitement of the film, and the consequent film. It reflected how dreary my life was during the period up to when I did my GCSEs, it was a comfortable time with merchandise, star wars novels, and geeky friends in an all boys school. In a sense, a comfort space. I wasn't particularly academic back then, nor did I have any real focus in my life. I thought that, considering the only thing I was good at was the piano; I would be a virtuoso pianist. I worked hard towards that assumption. After a dreadful performance at the age of 16, I slowly came to accept that dream would not happen. After that, I had depression. When I say it like that, it almost seems like there is a causal linke. Perhaps this is my epiphany for today
2. While the late 90s/early 00s were dreary, the time before that characterised my growing up. The space between 2005 to now is almost linear; I remember everything. Between 1998-2004 was like a honeysuckle rosey eyed memory. The period between 1993-1998 is almost like a decade in my adult years in terms of how I mentally and emotionally developed as a person. It seems that the more time passes, the less I seem to be achieving and growing in my life. I'm stuck, and I'm in the exact position that I would hate myself being in. I am reading lots of audiobooks and listening to a lot of music, as well as training almost every other day. Tomorrow I am going training again. I think I need to revise my New years resolutions for 2010.
3. New discoveries: My ex introduced me to lots of interesting music: selecter, trojan records (a label), aphex twin. She is the same age as my brother (more or less) and she represented a different strata of teenager due to her different background. In some ways, a big part of her still lives in me, contrast that to the feeling that a part of me has died by losing her. Also, my parents CD collection surprisingly includes a fair bit of reggae and 90s acid house, not to mention, a few heavy metal/hard rock gems.
4. Trigger: I had a big trigger last night. Ex called me last night, she said this guy who she 'loves' is in the house. She ended the call prematurely because she is spending more time with him. she is cutting me out. I hate it. I also hate the thought of that 56 year old man having sex with MY GIRLFRIEND. she isn't my girlfriend though. She fucked him even when we were together. Oh wait, I'm trying to make myself feel better, not worse. I'm not sure how to cope with this.
Now: moving forward
i have to move into a new me. Become someone diferent, become someone more sunday times, more amicable towards the free cd and book that comes with the sunday papers. more sunday roast. more london. more graduate. more employable. more money oriented. more conformed. more acceptable. more accessible.
I may be compromising. but the alternative is quite unbearable. I am just as scared as success and change as I am continuing this limbo. I must see this situation as a transition, and one that will end soon. I must see this period of limbo is close to ending. Once I have that attitude, once I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I will run and grab the oppurtunity.
In other news. I kind of want a girlfriend. Partly to spite, partly to rebound, partly to fuck, partly to talk to, partly to cuddle, partly to love, partly to have a life, partly to be acceptabeld and accepted, partly to move on.
I feel uncertain. I fill my thoughts, whether good or bad, with actions. I just keep acting, keep expiring my energy, effort and concentration on tasks. Today, I spent about 10-11 hours ripping CDs. I almost want to say it was a waste of a day. I am slightly angry that my dad has not done anything to contribute to what he said he would do.
When 1999 happened, I was 13, I was a post-prepubescent during the millennium, in the dawn of the next decade, I am still in a teen like state, being dependent on my parents financially and in all other respects. I am still in the womb, with the umbilical cord very well attached to me. I remembered some things today:
1. Star wars episode 1: it was on today, I was reminded of the excitement and later lack of excitement of the film, and the consequent film. It reflected how dreary my life was during the period up to when I did my GCSEs, it was a comfortable time with merchandise, star wars novels, and geeky friends in an all boys school. In a sense, a comfort space. I wasn't particularly academic back then, nor did I have any real focus in my life. I thought that, considering the only thing I was good at was the piano; I would be a virtuoso pianist. I worked hard towards that assumption. After a dreadful performance at the age of 16, I slowly came to accept that dream would not happen. After that, I had depression. When I say it like that, it almost seems like there is a causal linke. Perhaps this is my epiphany for today
2. While the late 90s/early 00s were dreary, the time before that characterised my growing up. The space between 2005 to now is almost linear; I remember everything. Between 1998-2004 was like a honeysuckle rosey eyed memory. The period between 1993-1998 is almost like a decade in my adult years in terms of how I mentally and emotionally developed as a person. It seems that the more time passes, the less I seem to be achieving and growing in my life. I'm stuck, and I'm in the exact position that I would hate myself being in. I am reading lots of audiobooks and listening to a lot of music, as well as training almost every other day. Tomorrow I am going training again. I think I need to revise my New years resolutions for 2010.
3. New discoveries: My ex introduced me to lots of interesting music: selecter, trojan records (a label), aphex twin. She is the same age as my brother (more or less) and she represented a different strata of teenager due to her different background. In some ways, a big part of her still lives in me, contrast that to the feeling that a part of me has died by losing her. Also, my parents CD collection surprisingly includes a fair bit of reggae and 90s acid house, not to mention, a few heavy metal/hard rock gems.
4. Trigger: I had a big trigger last night. Ex called me last night, she said this guy who she 'loves' is in the house. She ended the call prematurely because she is spending more time with him. she is cutting me out. I hate it. I also hate the thought of that 56 year old man having sex with MY GIRLFRIEND. she isn't my girlfriend though. She fucked him even when we were together. Oh wait, I'm trying to make myself feel better, not worse. I'm not sure how to cope with this.
Now: moving forward
i have to move into a new me. Become someone diferent, become someone more sunday times, more amicable towards the free cd and book that comes with the sunday papers. more sunday roast. more london. more graduate. more employable. more money oriented. more conformed. more acceptable. more accessible.
I may be compromising. but the alternative is quite unbearable. I am just as scared as success and change as I am continuing this limbo. I must see this situation as a transition, and one that will end soon. I must see this period of limbo is close to ending. Once I have that attitude, once I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I will run and grab the oppurtunity.
In other news. I kind of want a girlfriend. Partly to spite, partly to rebound, partly to fuck, partly to talk to, partly to cuddle, partly to love, partly to have a life, partly to be acceptabeld and accepted, partly to move on.
I feel uncertain. I fill my thoughts, whether good or bad, with actions. I just keep acting, keep expiring my energy, effort and concentration on tasks. Today, I spent about 10-11 hours ripping CDs. I almost want to say it was a waste of a day. I am slightly angry that my dad has not done anything to contribute to what he said he would do.
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