I feel life may be betting better, that the more applications and things that I apply for, the more seeds may flourish that I had sown. That there may be more oppurtunities and a possible way to survive this life is a thing that motivates me. Yesterday I entitled myself to a 'day off'. I went training with my two friends, the regular jogging buddy, and his brother, another good friend, who was over having a visit for two weeks.
I spent the rest of the day with them, we saw three films, ate some pizza and laughed a few times. Upon coming home, I found that I had gotten a message from a girl on OKcupid; she was also on a social networking site that a friend of mine had invited me on. I also was trawling about the website and met a girl who had similar music tastes to me, and wrote their profile in a way that anticipated it was meant for me.
I had gotten a message from the social networking site on Monday from another girl; she called me a pretty boy. The other girl yesterday called me "pretty, VERY pretty". The latterly girl, as I late r found, is in a relationship and loves him, but is non-monogamous. If I were to get closer to her, it would only be as a 'bit on the side'. It would be nice to have a friend with benefits (and I don't mean council tax or housing benefits). Being called 'pretty' 'cute', 'pretty boy' or 'beautiful boy' is perhaps the one only validation that I have in my low esteemed life. To end yesterday was on a low, however. I had noticed that my ex facebooked me and not only that, she also made some insinuating comment on my brother's wall that was flirtatious. That's really crossing the line, ex or not. I thought to myself, how shall I cope with this trigger? I reacted by doing something unconventional. I shut the lid of my laptop and lay in the complete dark, with nothing but silence and my thoughts. rarely do I leave myself to face my own thoughts and feelings, I always have myself half doing something else, or completely doing something else, so that I do not have a comprehensive apprehension of my feelings. I had found that constructive, not only that, I found it helps me not be so depressive.
I had a few moments of utter terror and despair that night. Not much can be said of it, other than, it has now passed.
Today, I had done quite a few things. I had worked enough to cover the GCal block that I had over the past 3 days. I had applied to a disability graduate scheme, a low paid job for a policy research body, and the Open university as a tutor. I've also been burning CDs and I do quite feel that I've gotten a fair bit done. Tomorrow I am scheduled to write a PhD proposal for an obscure european university. I'm looking forward to whatever the future holds. I do quite look forward to having a new girlfriend.
In other news, I got a call from the GP surgery, and they asked me to complete a survey befoer going to counselling. I hope this advances things on the front of trying to sort out going to counselling. i then had an anger trigger.
Anyhoo. tdoay is a good day. I slowly feel like I am a normal person, and an attractive boy :)
I spent the rest of the day with them, we saw three films, ate some pizza and laughed a few times. Upon coming home, I found that I had gotten a message from a girl on OKcupid; she was also on a social networking site that a friend of mine had invited me on. I also was trawling about the website and met a girl who had similar music tastes to me, and wrote their profile in a way that anticipated it was meant for me.
I had gotten a message from the social networking site on Monday from another girl; she called me a pretty boy. The other girl yesterday called me "pretty, VERY pretty". The latterly girl, as I late r found, is in a relationship and loves him, but is non-monogamous. If I were to get closer to her, it would only be as a 'bit on the side'. It would be nice to have a friend with benefits (and I don't mean council tax or housing benefits). Being called 'pretty' 'cute', 'pretty boy' or 'beautiful boy' is perhaps the one only validation that I have in my low esteemed life. To end yesterday was on a low, however. I had noticed that my ex facebooked me and not only that, she also made some insinuating comment on my brother's wall that was flirtatious. That's really crossing the line, ex or not. I thought to myself, how shall I cope with this trigger? I reacted by doing something unconventional. I shut the lid of my laptop and lay in the complete dark, with nothing but silence and my thoughts. rarely do I leave myself to face my own thoughts and feelings, I always have myself half doing something else, or completely doing something else, so that I do not have a comprehensive apprehension of my feelings. I had found that constructive, not only that, I found it helps me not be so depressive.
I had a few moments of utter terror and despair that night. Not much can be said of it, other than, it has now passed.
Today, I had done quite a few things. I had worked enough to cover the GCal block that I had over the past 3 days. I had applied to a disability graduate scheme, a low paid job for a policy research body, and the Open university as a tutor. I've also been burning CDs and I do quite feel that I've gotten a fair bit done. Tomorrow I am scheduled to write a PhD proposal for an obscure european university. I'm looking forward to whatever the future holds. I do quite look forward to having a new girlfriend.
In other news, I got a call from the GP surgery, and they asked me to complete a survey befoer going to counselling. I hope this advances things on the front of trying to sort out going to counselling. i then had an anger trigger.
Anyhoo. tdoay is a good day. I slowly feel like I am a normal person, and an attractive boy :)
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