Last night I felt some weird sense of euphoria. I kind of wished that I was bipolar, on account of the mania being (apparently) quite joyful. I was imaginging it was christmas, well not literally, but in terms of the feeling of excitement and resource abundance.
Today I have more sobering reflections. I woke up with a variant of that bad nightmare about my ex, again. It significantly upsets me when I wake up, it upsets me as the first thought I have when I wake up. I really need to keep in focus and get more perspective on issues.
Two reflections I have had:
1. Christmas is going to be a challenge this year. I have almost no money. Pub priviledges should really go out the window. My social life is a non-existent thing with no money.
2. Christmas is going to be a challenge in terms of the obligation to make and give presents. Last year i had bank of mum and dad bailing me out as if I were Lloyds TSB. This year I have no ingoings and my dental fees have raped me quite significantly. How the hell am I going to give presents to all the people I love during the holiday period, when I can't even afford to have a life of my own? I shall be resourceful. I think that I will make presents, but in doing so, I will need to get it all sorted in advance of Christmas day.
3. My dad is a very flawed person. In a very disturbing way, he exhibits all the things I hate about myself. I criticise him often aware that his flaws and weaknesses are ones that blight my life. I wish he was less lazy and willing to change. It reflects badly on me as his genetic son, and in terms of how I can see my own progress. I wish that my dad would congratulate me more, or say that he is proud. When I was awarded my Masters, I did not get the kudos that I deserved, not because they didn't congratulate me, but because I decided that I did not deserve it. Failing to get into the PhD is suffering. A big blow to my ego the likes I may hope not to see again. I am tired, fatigued, sarred by life. I have lost my fresh coat of polish
Today I have more sobering reflections. I woke up with a variant of that bad nightmare about my ex, again. It significantly upsets me when I wake up, it upsets me as the first thought I have when I wake up. I really need to keep in focus and get more perspective on issues.
Two reflections I have had:
1. Christmas is going to be a challenge this year. I have almost no money. Pub priviledges should really go out the window. My social life is a non-existent thing with no money.
2. Christmas is going to be a challenge in terms of the obligation to make and give presents. Last year i had bank of mum and dad bailing me out as if I were Lloyds TSB. This year I have no ingoings and my dental fees have raped me quite significantly. How the hell am I going to give presents to all the people I love during the holiday period, when I can't even afford to have a life of my own? I shall be resourceful. I think that I will make presents, but in doing so, I will need to get it all sorted in advance of Christmas day.
3. My dad is a very flawed person. In a very disturbing way, he exhibits all the things I hate about myself. I criticise him often aware that his flaws and weaknesses are ones that blight my life. I wish he was less lazy and willing to change. It reflects badly on me as his genetic son, and in terms of how I can see my own progress. I wish that my dad would congratulate me more, or say that he is proud. When I was awarded my Masters, I did not get the kudos that I deserved, not because they didn't congratulate me, but because I decided that I did not deserve it. Failing to get into the PhD is suffering. A big blow to my ego the likes I may hope not to see again. I am tired, fatigued, sarred by life. I have lost my fresh coat of polish
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