sad drunk

Dear Diary,

I drank some scotch, I hate scotch, why did I drink scotch tonight?? As it happens, today was fairly eventful, meet up with friend, hang out with my musician brother, hang out with his crew. I also got drunk, possibly stoned by smoke inhalation. Overally today was good, however when I got home I felt quite down, a cute girl that I'm messaging has found a guy. Story of my life. Why would a girl be interested in me if I don't have a PhD? The friend I went to see is a PhD student, we were talking about where mutual friends have ended up since university: many are successful bankers, lawyers, doctors and a few PhDs.

"But what about you, Conatus?"

I'm kind of a weak link for everybody. I'm not in a decent job, I'm a deficient human being by social standards. I'm always their little brother, the little guy, Joe Pesci in a cop movie. This is what I feel, no girl would want me without a PhD, a research record or some kind of distinct means of individuality.

Maybe I'll finish today on positive notes:

• I don't think that I ate *too much* (but didn't eat healthily)
• I lost some weight this morning in my daily reading
• I feel more confident in a T-shirt
• I can't think of anything

I really liked this girl, even though I saw it coming. It's the same fucking story. This girl deserves better than me, better than what I can ever provide. Good for her. I think its fair to say that I'm an sad drunk tonight.