On becoming high functioning

Dear Diary,

One pre job assessment completed, that doesn't sound as definitive as a job application. However I am glad to say that I passed the entry criteria for this graduate scheme. Something is making me anxious today: that is namely: finances, and planning the weekend get-together. As it happens, I've sorted it out. Now the only thing is to get it over with.

Maybe I'll summarise my day in a list:

• Made queries on car rental, hired a car for the weekend
• Booked ticket to get to rendez-vous point
• Booked (and will later attend) GP appointment
• Completed pre-screening test for graduate scheme
• Job Searching
• Received call from recruitment consultant (she sounded cute, spoke with estuary casual elocution)
• (after GP) training

Two things affected my mood in a positive way today: hearing from the recruitment consultant: she said my CV and job profile look 'prospective' (read: I went to a good university). Another thing is the prestigue of this application I've been invited to. In terms of prestige and graduate job destinations, its comparable to an investment bank. (ugh, I wish my bank of england application went forward!). I find it odd that positive things can contribute to my anxiety. What it is, is that these thoughts turn into feelings, and these feelings stick in my head. I went for a date months ago where I ended up kissing the girl, that feeling stuck in my head, because it was the thrill of taking a risk, as well as the joy of appearing sexy in someone's eyes. I kind of get preoccupied with happy thoughts like that, when I lost my virginity I was glowing for a month (even with bulimia).

Doing these things make me feel like a real person.I felt anxious from negative thoughts: namely, the immediacy of trying to sort out this plan. I also find that with so much activity today, my thoughts are racing, they race in a way that an optimal rational agent would be affected in performance. I think my realisation of the past few days is that anxiety is in some way inevitable, like the discomfort of calisthenics, I have to survive through it in order to be someone worthwhile. For the past 3 years, much of my personal journey has been about an attempt to gain higher functionality. I want to be 'high functioning', but its a constant struggle, to be a person, everything has to be quantified as a task: from taking a shit to planning. In  a way, it makes all tasks on a level playing field, they are all equal if they can be quantified.

 

In the past few days, I have felt that I am on a journey of 'becoming'.

Becoming whom, you may ask?

Perhaps the better question is: becoming what?