on 'losing a day'

Dear Diary,

I have to admit that Sunday felt like a very, very strange day. I got home late after paintballing and hanging out with friends, but earlier than the official end of their day (I left to go home when they went for more drinks). I should pat myself on the back for avoiding alcohol altogether. I then attempted to write an email to a friend of mine, I didn't send it to her but I made it as a blog post. I had a bit of a catharsis in writing it. I had some feelings I wanted to deal with, and then the next day, after writing it, I moved on. Actually the main thing on my mind was that after I sent the email I noticed a mouse in my room, I jumped and screamed, and my mind was totally in a different place after that. It's funny how somethign completely irrelevant causes a shift.

I can barely remember yesterday/sunday. Yesterday felt like 2 days. I thought by the end of last night that it was in fact Monday night. I needed to check my calendar to realise that that long day was in fact just one day. I didn't actually do much yesterday, I was playing a lot of games, I tidied up my room and I read a few articles. I still have a lot to catch up with, in fact I feel its too much right now. I dont feel very motivated right now, and the added burden of loads of things to do is really getting to me and making me feel quite heavy.

I'm reminded of the past. I've been in situations like this before, in the same headspace. What feels different, and it is very different to back then: is my response. I would waste whole days doing nothing, I'd make myself not care about deadlines, things I'd need to do in the future and just push it all back and away out of consciousness. With my diary system I don't allow myself to do that, I remember so many of those wasted days, just passing me by, and then I would have the audacity to say that I'm not where I want to be. So many years of fucking around and now I realise what it did to my life: what it did to my future.

I try to say to myself that every day for the past couple of years or more, I try to set a task, set goals and achievements, try not to push things back and be aimless (except if I'm ill, taking a day off or some other extenuating (sic) circumstance. I mentioned how sometimes I don't give myself enough credit for the good things, or overdo blame on myself to make it seem better. I'm going to be frank: I fucked up about certain decisions, I need to take ownership of that fact in a way that isn't overkill blame. I feel guitly, but this is part of sobriety for me. Not the overwhelming melodramatic guilt, everyday cotton-grain shame. The kind that's healthy.

Today I'm feeling not 100%, I'll try and do what I can, but that fear of losing a day is always there.