machine guns and tables

Dear Diary,

 

I've had another 5 star day, that meaning that I've undertaken 5 main tasks that I've clocked. 2 job applications (yesterday was 3, 3 is better); job searching (counts as one task); one passive task (contacted potential tutee) and trained for about 45 mins. My training routine changes every month, it seems. I have adapted it so that I don't wear myself out on the cross trainer, but I still get a draining from the rowing machine and HIIT excercises. I've gymed it for 5 days in a row. The past 3 days have been the same format, apply to jobs, search, catch up on tasks, and then I go to the gym. I'd love to do 4-in-a-row. I'd do it tomorrow if my body allows it. This morning I was really drained when I woke up. I felt as if I had slept for 12 hours, but it was more like 7-8. I suppose its positive in the sense that I haven't slept too long, but that kind of fatigue is unexpected. I also had some slight bicep cramps, not strong enough for me to cry wolf, but noticeable enough for me to feel uncomfortable.

I've had a few triggers today, I don't think they are worth going into but I think one way of saying it is this: moving on means passing the memories you want to move from. As I 'move on', I am reminded of what once was. My sources contacted me about something the ADC members are up to these days, and in a sense I don't really want to know, it just makes me upset. I've had little triggers during the day as well. Triggers are experiences where I am reminded of a memory, and it throws me off for a bit, triggers can be hard and some you just can't dodge like a big table being thrown at you: even if you jump and miss you still responded to it. Today's triggers feel more like machine gun fire, small little bullets coming at me at once, not gunning me down completely, but coming so fast that I have to take the bullet one after the other. Perhaps disanalogous to the machine gun, I have found myself still standing. Still standing but a little hurt. I've found my distractions.

In other news, I've also found another potential university to apply to. This time it's for an MA, but they are experts in my area. Very rare. This needs more thought.

I'm lonely.

I'm disappointed

I'm upset

I'm isolated

I'm socially immobile

I'm a victim

I'm hopeful for change