Dear Diary,
I'm having a trigger. I'm having an upset trigger. For all the apprehensiveness I have to other people I can be honest with you, a blog that no one will care to identify with the real person. I got upset just earlier because I am watching an episode of House. I love that series, I love it because it has Hugh Laurie, I love it because the character is complex and in pain, I love it because he's a brilliant mind. I kind of wish I were a Hugh Laurie character. I am probably in the sense that I currently have a limp. In the House episode, in the aftermath of losing a colleague so soon after losing another colleague (as well as his father dying), House has a mental breakdown evidenced by hallucinations.
I got upset by the proximity of a character that I idolise with such a horrific situation. Such a situation that someone so cool is not invulnerable to: mental illness. It's cool to be brilliant and 'tortured', but when it gets medicalised it just doesn't seem as cool anymore, it just reminds me of my history. I'm having an upset trigger, in fact I'm crying a little bit. I'm crying as an expression of honest and vulnerability. I can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing today, I don't really feel like caring. I've got paintball tomorrow and I'm preparing my gear. I set tasks for myself so that I can keep in touch with the world. Today my overwhelming desire is just to lay in bed and think, that kind of thinking is always bad.
Let me just say what I feel in short statements:
- I'm jealous of other people
- I have a problematic and unjustified sense of entitlement
- I feel down
- I feel lonely
- I find much difficulty with opening up to people, trusting them to tell them what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling, and that I'm vulnerable
- I feel left behind
- I want to lay in bed for a while.
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