Buffer times and busydays

"What day is it today?"

"It's Thursday"

*Pause*

"Don't you remember yesterday? [nephew] was in the house all day?" [enthymeme: that indicates it being wednesday yesterday]

Dear Diary,

This morning I woke up feeling very down, as each day passes by, the feeling of down-ness just keeps biting back. I have lots to feel down about, in spite of doing a whole lot, or in lieu of not doing enough, its all the same feeling: I'm a failure. It's something that I face in my mindset every day. The worst possible situation has occured, and it is my everyday life.

So, we just get on with it.

Today I felt things may potentially go very slow, I realised that there was a massive backlog of tasks, this was quite worrying. I think I resolved to myself that I couldn't possibly do everything this thursday that I had planned, I knew of this when a certain work colleague was planning a drinking session. My funds and time could not permit this. I had a Fred Flintstone moment today, after doing about 4 applications today (yup, and this isn't the end of the story...), I had one task in my schedule: determine ways to make money from things in the house that I do not use.

First thought was Ebay, then I was thinking about other things. I then thought: aren't there places that buy DVDs? I found a site, they not only buy dvds, they help clear the clutter in the house. I felt a little bit weird about the fact that I've basically consigned away 10 years of dvd memories, but my parents won't miss "Celene Dion in concert" or my unopened xmas present to them. There are enough clips in youtube to remind me of what happens in the film "Commando" not to require the DVD. In an age of youtube and streaming and information comnig out of every orifice, one really doesn't need a DVD collection. It would cost nearly £40 if I sold the compiled collection. £40 in the bank is small potatoes in terms of what I need financially in the coming month, but I'm not going to sniff at it. Every little helps.

After 4 applications, scanning DVD barcodes into my laptop and job searching, I put the icing on the cake for today and applied to a 5th job, I tnen read a whole lot of articles that I've been meaning to catch up on, and then I closed the day by playing a game. I played that game so much that I got motion sickness twice. When I have fun, I need buffer time to process what has happened before I get back to usual activity, when I do a lot in a day, I also need buffer time.

It is my opinion that today went alright. Five applications, three covering letters, one form, one online entry and no triggers. Considering that today started with me feeling shit, I'm pretty pleased with myself. I suspect however that tomorrow I will feel just as shit. Is this a pattern? If so it might be a familiar one: when my anxiety was really bad I was productive in a way that could be seen as positive, the negative aspect of thiat period of time was that I suffered a great amount of anguish, I was constantly terrified and I felt like I couldn't advance in my life in any way at all.

Maybe there is a parallel after all.

In other news, I'm losing my sex drive: I've had 3 orgasms today and I feel tired.I think a healthy diet gives me a different libido.

Oh, a pps, I got a futureme email from myself a year ago, it's funny how similar I am to that person a year ago, one difference however: I am thinner.

My past self asked me if I was thinner, I think he'd be glad to know that I am. Maybe I'll ask my future self: Do you have a decent job yet? Maybe I'll be pleased with the answer, my fear of asking is that I'm afraid that I won't be happy with the answer. Here's to hoping.