Row on

Glenn Gould Bach Chromatic Fantasy BWV 903

I kind of made a bit of a revelation in counselling today, you know, the kind where you learn something about yourself. I am deeply insecure about my body, so much so that its affecting my chances with potential girl admirers. My feeling is that I'm not ready yet. I've always felt that way, like I'm incubating, or preparing for life to be ready. Something I felt, like being torn between two opposing yet similar forces, both are basically saying: you aren't good enough. I feel I'm not good enough, and I feel the world is telling me that, then there is the fact of the world telling me that I'm not good enough, viz. PFO letters.

Training was pretty good today, I did 5k on the rowing machine, I easily managed to do 60kcal burn in about >10mins as my 'warmup' without noticing that I already reached 50kcal (that's my target for warmups). I then worked on some arms, some legs, some more legs, a bit of chest, then abs (but not as much as usual) and back. I hardly work on back but I should, I found it especially difficult. I felt intimidated and inadequate in front of all the beautiful and unattainable women who were far more fit than me, they are probably thinking to themselves: look at that pathetic non-PhD, he's so fat and inadequate, the obesity reflects his inner shame. That's probably what they are thinking.

Mia is still deep inside me, she's not going to go away. I just row on, that's all I can do. Today I was thinking of my darkest feelings and thoughts as I was rowing, and it made me slow down. Then I thought to myself: speed up and don't slow down. Embrace these feelings and then keep going, keep rowing, power through. It was a troubling feeling, but it felt like my mind matched my body for a little bit. After thinking about these very hateful thoughts about myself in counselling, as I had a shower when I returned home, I saw a fat body in the mirror for the first time in weeks. When I think of my inadequacies, I'm reminded of how isolated I feel. Most of all how isolated I feel because of my body. Talking about what I did today does kind of assure me that I am being helped during counselling. My problem is that I'm fat, solution: modify diet and keep working out. There's a little part of me that's also saying that much of this is in my head, it's so little that I can ignore it and it would have to take someone else to fight that corner to argue that point to convince me. I need to be thin, I desperately need to be thin.

I remember when I used to purge in 2008, I used to tell myself: if you keep purging you'll get into a PhD. I didn't... Mia will say anything to convince me.

Perhaps today's workout was worthwhile, I am feeling tired at a relatively early time of 11:20. Perhaps the time is good to fall asleep.

I've not wanked tonight, I always wank at this time of night. Something must be wrong with me, I must be getting older and losing my sex drive, that's damn depressing. That said, I did masturbate twice today. I added some Glenn Gould because his Bach interpretation gives me such intellectual bliss. None of the three girls I've been in contact with truly understand the eminence of Gould. Perhaps I should dismiss all of them on that basis. But then, perhaps I'm being too picky. This was also discussed in counselling. I feel like i'm prattling on like a Jewish standup comedian.I should stop now and try to sleep. Probably that will not involve wanking, now I've gone all larry david as well...

Good night