last night I chatted to my ex.
She said things that cheered me up, made me feel good about myself; but in doing so I give something to her: control.
She was saying how much she missed my body, my hair, my lips, my chest and my cock. She even used her little nickname that she used to give it. It upsets me when she talks to me like that, she's leading me on when I know it will lead to nothing. She knows I'm not getting any, and she can have anyone she wants. It especially hurts knowing how ugly and fat I am.
In my twilight imaginations, I envisaged running away from people who threatened me. In my mind-world, it was me, alone but pursued by unfriendly foes. On one side was mia, the most dangerous woman of them all, because she is the woman inside me that wants me to purge. On the other side were people who hurt me, Antonia included. I felt alone with these figures pursuing me. There was another man though who I ran to. This man I always understand as my 'other self'. The person whose voice I used to hear, but hear no longer. Inside that man was brotherhood and friendship, like how I have with real people in the world.
Perhaps its a visualisation, a symbol that I need to be more involved with real people, and with more male company. Even the voice in my head is female, that's scary. Who has binkers that are gendered?
Today has been slow. I woke up slowly, had a bath, felt cold, cooked slowly but it was nice (salmon and veggies) and sent only one application today, on the other hand it was a grad scheme. Most of my tasks today are tackling with the smaller tasks that I've set myself that plague my schedule, namely, investigating grad schemes. I need to apply to more graduate jobs (I'm applying to other stuff too, of course) if I am ever to aspire to graduate employment. What I'd do for a hefty wage. I bet if I start earning 30k, Antonia would say stuff like 'lets start over again'. That hurts.
Perhaps I'll focus on trying to get more done. Right now I'm trying to clear up GReader, I've got loads of Guardianjobs RSS'd on there. Here's to hoping that I get enough done today. My life seems like occupied monotony. Speaking of monotony, I need to do some of that intern work I meant to do yesterday. Ugh. I wish my basic disclosure form came in soon. I WANT TO WORK!!
She said things that cheered me up, made me feel good about myself; but in doing so I give something to her: control.
She was saying how much she missed my body, my hair, my lips, my chest and my cock. She even used her little nickname that she used to give it. It upsets me when she talks to me like that, she's leading me on when I know it will lead to nothing. She knows I'm not getting any, and she can have anyone she wants. It especially hurts knowing how ugly and fat I am.
In my twilight imaginations, I envisaged running away from people who threatened me. In my mind-world, it was me, alone but pursued by unfriendly foes. On one side was mia, the most dangerous woman of them all, because she is the woman inside me that wants me to purge. On the other side were people who hurt me, Antonia included. I felt alone with these figures pursuing me. There was another man though who I ran to. This man I always understand as my 'other self'. The person whose voice I used to hear, but hear no longer. Inside that man was brotherhood and friendship, like how I have with real people in the world.
Perhaps its a visualisation, a symbol that I need to be more involved with real people, and with more male company. Even the voice in my head is female, that's scary. Who has binkers that are gendered?
Today has been slow. I woke up slowly, had a bath, felt cold, cooked slowly but it was nice (salmon and veggies) and sent only one application today, on the other hand it was a grad scheme. Most of my tasks today are tackling with the smaller tasks that I've set myself that plague my schedule, namely, investigating grad schemes. I need to apply to more graduate jobs (I'm applying to other stuff too, of course) if I am ever to aspire to graduate employment. What I'd do for a hefty wage. I bet if I start earning 30k, Antonia would say stuff like 'lets start over again'. That hurts.
Perhaps I'll focus on trying to get more done. Right now I'm trying to clear up GReader, I've got loads of Guardianjobs RSS'd on there. Here's to hoping that I get enough done today. My life seems like occupied monotony. Speaking of monotony, I need to do some of that intern work I meant to do yesterday. Ugh. I wish my basic disclosure form came in soon. I WANT TO WORK!!
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