Good morning. I feel like I have been up for ages. Probably because I woke up at 5:30. I woke up in a cold sweat, and then for some reason I let my thoughts drift without initiative. I was led to think about my treatment cumulatively in grad school. It wasn't good. The essay markings, the negative criticism and some of the things said to me I think were a bit wrong. There is a new blog out lately about the experiences of women in academic philosophy, and it's led me to think about my own treatment in grad school.
I am not sure if I was treated too well. Some of the lecturers/tutors were far too blaisee in their conduct, and I was far too easily let off to my own devices, when I was very ill and depressed. In some ways I wish that I had more help; in others I wish that I sought it. Thinking about the year between 2007-2008 brings me great regret. It caused a degree of damage to my life that I am perhaps only just now trying to resolve. This regret goes so deeply because of how it has affected the course of my later years until this day.
I hate the fact that I have a masters degree and that I'm a very talented, able and hard working person, and everything in the economy goes against me. I'm almost weary and tired of the world. Mia's control grows greater in me. If only I had that same energy I had in hating people to working on my own life; I may have gotten somewhere better than now. I'm glad that I sent off 3 job applications, but where do all my endeavours in life lead if I'm still unemployed and I'm still not losing weight.
Come tomorrow, I'm going to jog for three days in a row. Since today's intern day I'm unable to, but hopefully I'll work hard on my upper body these next few days. My knee, which was a bit tricky this week, is starting to feel better.
Perhaps I'll talk about last night now. I went to the concert. It was nice, it was okay. The piano part was spectacular and the SATB soloists were without fault, I left halfway because I was not as enthralled by 'dominus tecum' being repeated a hundred times over the space of an hour. I decided to go to the geek munch. I quite enjoyed it. What I particularly enjoyed, compared to my previous experiences of munches; was that I got to talk to 'older' munchers instead of the usual internet generation who tend to be really cliquey and talk about things that exclude people. I found their modes of self expression facile and obvious. T-shirts of novelty, doing up your hair (okay, so maybe I'm a hair culprit too, so mea culpa hypocrisy perhaps there), and geek-ifying a lot. I would say otherwise it was a good time overall. I would go again. I haven't been out to talk to people in so long. I hardly talk to people in general.
It's been so long since I've had a face to face conversation as myself, not as someone putting on a aface, or pretending to be professional. I wonder sometimes if the real me fades away with the increased lack of contact. If getting home just before midnight, and sleeping by 2am didn't fatigue me enough, my nephew's also stayed at our house all week as he's got chickenpox and he's really being a challenge. Being a parent is a full time job and we are just part time carers for the little guy. I really do feel for my sister and brother-in-law. I've luckily gained some experience with children from my ex's little one.
Sometimes I wonder if my socially reserved personality appears socially retarded. I think I am socially retarded. I also think that I have this dualism with my personality; that's something that Mia also plays on. Being confident takes a lot of energy from me and it feels as if a strain on my lungs and my heart. Today I feel in a low gear. Perhaps sitting on the tube, listening to nickelback will boost my mood. I'm ashamed to say that I have put in three nickelback songs in my mp3 player and I was rocking along to them on the tube yesterday. It's tragic, after all the shit I said. There are these two songs which reference 'not eating', and most of the songs seem to be about being self-destructive and not where you want to be in life. I guess I can relate to those things.
Let's take stock of the next few days. After interning today, I can eat at that really nice diner I went to last week. I have been paid in so I can purchase the basic disclosure, pay for counselling and sort out the arrears with the dentist. That then leaves me with little monies to go out, but having a job would put me in a better position overall to go out (which is nice). I'll try to send off the basic disclosure, wait/hope for a week and carry on my schedule. Things of note that I could participate in include: jogging, training, upper body, more job applications, BBC recordings.
I forgot about the pumpkins. Ah, fuck....
At this rate my first paycheck will be just before christmas. Oh, Kyrie Eleison!
I am not sure if I was treated too well. Some of the lecturers/tutors were far too blaisee in their conduct, and I was far too easily let off to my own devices, when I was very ill and depressed. In some ways I wish that I had more help; in others I wish that I sought it. Thinking about the year between 2007-2008 brings me great regret. It caused a degree of damage to my life that I am perhaps only just now trying to resolve. This regret goes so deeply because of how it has affected the course of my later years until this day.
I hate the fact that I have a masters degree and that I'm a very talented, able and hard working person, and everything in the economy goes against me. I'm almost weary and tired of the world. Mia's control grows greater in me. If only I had that same energy I had in hating people to working on my own life; I may have gotten somewhere better than now. I'm glad that I sent off 3 job applications, but where do all my endeavours in life lead if I'm still unemployed and I'm still not losing weight.
Come tomorrow, I'm going to jog for three days in a row. Since today's intern day I'm unable to, but hopefully I'll work hard on my upper body these next few days. My knee, which was a bit tricky this week, is starting to feel better.
Perhaps I'll talk about last night now. I went to the concert. It was nice, it was okay. The piano part was spectacular and the SATB soloists were without fault, I left halfway because I was not as enthralled by 'dominus tecum' being repeated a hundred times over the space of an hour. I decided to go to the geek munch. I quite enjoyed it. What I particularly enjoyed, compared to my previous experiences of munches; was that I got to talk to 'older' munchers instead of the usual internet generation who tend to be really cliquey and talk about things that exclude people. I found their modes of self expression facile and obvious. T-shirts of novelty, doing up your hair (okay, so maybe I'm a hair culprit too, so mea culpa hypocrisy perhaps there), and geek-ifying a lot. I would say otherwise it was a good time overall. I would go again. I haven't been out to talk to people in so long. I hardly talk to people in general.
It's been so long since I've had a face to face conversation as myself, not as someone putting on a aface, or pretending to be professional. I wonder sometimes if the real me fades away with the increased lack of contact. If getting home just before midnight, and sleeping by 2am didn't fatigue me enough, my nephew's also stayed at our house all week as he's got chickenpox and he's really being a challenge. Being a parent is a full time job and we are just part time carers for the little guy. I really do feel for my sister and brother-in-law. I've luckily gained some experience with children from my ex's little one.
Sometimes I wonder if my socially reserved personality appears socially retarded. I think I am socially retarded. I also think that I have this dualism with my personality; that's something that Mia also plays on. Being confident takes a lot of energy from me and it feels as if a strain on my lungs and my heart. Today I feel in a low gear. Perhaps sitting on the tube, listening to nickelback will boost my mood. I'm ashamed to say that I have put in three nickelback songs in my mp3 player and I was rocking along to them on the tube yesterday. It's tragic, after all the shit I said. There are these two songs which reference 'not eating', and most of the songs seem to be about being self-destructive and not where you want to be in life. I guess I can relate to those things.
Let's take stock of the next few days. After interning today, I can eat at that really nice diner I went to last week. I have been paid in so I can purchase the basic disclosure, pay for counselling and sort out the arrears with the dentist. That then leaves me with little monies to go out, but having a job would put me in a better position overall to go out (which is nice). I'll try to send off the basic disclosure, wait/hope for a week and carry on my schedule. Things of note that I could participate in include: jogging, training, upper body, more job applications, BBC recordings.
I forgot about the pumpkins. Ah, fuck....
At this rate my first paycheck will be just before christmas. Oh, Kyrie Eleison!
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