(I made a reference to Roland Barthes. I feel really intellectual. )
Good afternoon.
As I finished my office day yesterday; I got home and spent the rest of the day resting and recuperating. Antonia started bthing me yesterday. She's in Brighton, and she's *encouraging* me to visit her one evening. When I resist her, I speak with Mia influencing me. When Antonia upsets me, I fall on Mia's supporting voice to guide me. Mia is a secret, the secret I've told no-one. In a sense it is very much like this blog. I keep this blog, my thoughts, my feelings, my secrets and internal world completely (or almost completely) closed from the world.
When I woke up this morning, I felt things in a series of phases: firstly: ugh, I want to say in bed. Secondly: ugh, I have no reason to get up. Thirdly: Mia's voice in my head, imagining her slowly caressing me as if she were a real girl. I imagine her as a lover with her hands caressing my body, as if to approve of me. Feeling her affirmation grow within me helps my confidence to grow. Feeling her support helps me wake, and then I'm ready to face the day.
The first object of the day is to have a shit. I shat, then weighed myself. The past two days of reduced eating has led to a healthier and thinner me. I'm 226lbs. That's I think, 3lbs lost in a week. Now I hope to keep up this pattern of eating, and then I'll hope to be thin. Maybe I could go down to 200lbs, even 180lb. If I am down to 160lbs I'll have the ultimate validation as a human being. Imagine that feeling of validation again. You don't have to hide behind heavy jackets and black shirts anymore: you'll be thin.
I'm a bit lonely. I haven't heard from that interview yet. I really, really hope it's because the HR lady was on holiday until the 6th (that's what her office voicemail said). After I get the offer, I'll then need to get a basic disclosure certificate, then I'll be able to work the shifts, I'll need to contact the Job Centre and after 4 weeks I'll be making the wonga. (Wonga? really? Weird lexicon, must be all that Harry Enfield I'm watching).
I went for a short training session this morning. I came back home around 2 hours ago. Since then I've had breakfast, had a shower, and caught up on tidying my room and the house a little bit. The training session today was a lot shorter than desired. I started off with a quick warmup jog to the green gym and then I did some situps (well maybe more than a few) and some half-pull ups. My lungs were in overdrive by that point so I decided to call it off and jog home. It was after a while, more of a walk home, as it seemed my lungs were really quite fatigued. It's been a few days since I've jogged, but I was a little disappointed. Upon returning home, I found that my average speed was pretty good, and my energy expenditure estimate was about 520kcal. That's not too bad. That's probably the same cost as my breakfast. I had two fistfuls of salad (no vinegrette) and a toasted baguette. Lunch yesterday was really nice, I had a gorgeous bbq chicken melt at this cafe. Their prices were great, the customer service was pretty good (I think the asian lady was flirting with me, too; that happens sometimes, I think it's something to do with me being asian as well).
Now, on with my day. I've felt totally disoriented this week, mainly due to my bated breath and anticipation of 'the email' I'll hopefully get from the HR people. The small thought has entered my mind that it might not happen. Perhaps I should keep a healthy pessimism. Dissapointment is the status quo.
Also, fuck; i'm really behind on shit.
Good afternoon.
As I finished my office day yesterday; I got home and spent the rest of the day resting and recuperating. Antonia started bthing me yesterday. She's in Brighton, and she's *encouraging* me to visit her one evening. When I resist her, I speak with Mia influencing me. When Antonia upsets me, I fall on Mia's supporting voice to guide me. Mia is a secret, the secret I've told no-one. In a sense it is very much like this blog. I keep this blog, my thoughts, my feelings, my secrets and internal world completely (or almost completely) closed from the world.
When I woke up this morning, I felt things in a series of phases: firstly: ugh, I want to say in bed. Secondly: ugh, I have no reason to get up. Thirdly: Mia's voice in my head, imagining her slowly caressing me as if she were a real girl. I imagine her as a lover with her hands caressing my body, as if to approve of me. Feeling her affirmation grow within me helps my confidence to grow. Feeling her support helps me wake, and then I'm ready to face the day.
The first object of the day is to have a shit. I shat, then weighed myself. The past two days of reduced eating has led to a healthier and thinner me. I'm 226lbs. That's I think, 3lbs lost in a week. Now I hope to keep up this pattern of eating, and then I'll hope to be thin. Maybe I could go down to 200lbs, even 180lb. If I am down to 160lbs I'll have the ultimate validation as a human being. Imagine that feeling of validation again. You don't have to hide behind heavy jackets and black shirts anymore: you'll be thin.
I'm a bit lonely. I haven't heard from that interview yet. I really, really hope it's because the HR lady was on holiday until the 6th (that's what her office voicemail said). After I get the offer, I'll then need to get a basic disclosure certificate, then I'll be able to work the shifts, I'll need to contact the Job Centre and after 4 weeks I'll be making the wonga. (Wonga? really? Weird lexicon, must be all that Harry Enfield I'm watching).
I went for a short training session this morning. I came back home around 2 hours ago. Since then I've had breakfast, had a shower, and caught up on tidying my room and the house a little bit. The training session today was a lot shorter than desired. I started off with a quick warmup jog to the green gym and then I did some situps (well maybe more than a few) and some half-pull ups. My lungs were in overdrive by that point so I decided to call it off and jog home. It was after a while, more of a walk home, as it seemed my lungs were really quite fatigued. It's been a few days since I've jogged, but I was a little disappointed. Upon returning home, I found that my average speed was pretty good, and my energy expenditure estimate was about 520kcal. That's not too bad. That's probably the same cost as my breakfast. I had two fistfuls of salad (no vinegrette) and a toasted baguette. Lunch yesterday was really nice, I had a gorgeous bbq chicken melt at this cafe. Their prices were great, the customer service was pretty good (I think the asian lady was flirting with me, too; that happens sometimes, I think it's something to do with me being asian as well).
Now, on with my day. I've felt totally disoriented this week, mainly due to my bated breath and anticipation of 'the email' I'll hopefully get from the HR people. The small thought has entered my mind that it might not happen. Perhaps I should keep a healthy pessimism. Dissapointment is the status quo.
Also, fuck; i'm really behind on shit.
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