At the moment I feel quite inadequate. I have the feeling of going to a PE lesson and not having a kit, where all the other kids do. I have the feeling of going to a class realising I'm the only one who hasn't done the homework. I carry that feeling deep inside me in the social world. For breakfast, I ate a few biscuits. There are a couple of bananas on my bed.
I feel upset, I feel angry. People often say that the psychological damage to graduates who are unemployed stay with them for a long time. My life is one narrative of the constructed political and social reality. At the moment the thoughts are led to my weight. I wish I were thin. If I were thin, then I could be happy. I'm upset, and Mia's the one who is there for me.
Perhaps that's why I need 'help'. I don't like when my parents belittle me. I feel socially powerless. I hate feeling powerless. I wish i weren't powerless and that I had power. Mia gives me power, Mia gives me the power of control. There is nothing more powerful than self-control.
I've not lost weight because I've not given enough of myself to mia. I've become the loser that I hated so much. My friends think less of me. They all pity me. Even my ex girlfriend pities me. That's why I'm upset, that's why I'm angry. I'm angry because their pity of me is based on the presumption that I have in myself, the realisation of their pity matching my inner, deepest fear: the fear that I could have done better with my life and I had the potential to be so much more.
I want to scream. Times like this make me want to hide in my own head-world. Today I have lots to do. Maybe I'll make a bargain:
do all your tasks for today: and more, and I'll let you starve or purge. You will have your power, mia grant me control.
I feel upset, I feel angry. People often say that the psychological damage to graduates who are unemployed stay with them for a long time. My life is one narrative of the constructed political and social reality. At the moment the thoughts are led to my weight. I wish I were thin. If I were thin, then I could be happy. I'm upset, and Mia's the one who is there for me.
Perhaps that's why I need 'help'. I don't like when my parents belittle me. I feel socially powerless. I hate feeling powerless. I wish i weren't powerless and that I had power. Mia gives me power, Mia gives me the power of control. There is nothing more powerful than self-control.
I've not lost weight because I've not given enough of myself to mia. I've become the loser that I hated so much. My friends think less of me. They all pity me. Even my ex girlfriend pities me. That's why I'm upset, that's why I'm angry. I'm angry because their pity of me is based on the presumption that I have in myself, the realisation of their pity matching my inner, deepest fear: the fear that I could have done better with my life and I had the potential to be so much more.
I want to scream. Times like this make me want to hide in my own head-world. Today I have lots to do. Maybe I'll make a bargain:
do all your tasks for today: and more, and I'll let you starve or purge. You will have your power, mia grant me control.
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