Learning about myself

I felt weird about going to counselling after the first session with the lady counsellor. After this second session, I feel like I've made some progress. I talked a lot, I don't think she talked much at all. I came to a personal realisation; an epiphany of sorts. I am trying to find myself. Trying to find eminence. I remember times in my life when I felt special:

• Senior prefect at school
• Performing as a piano soloist
• playing in the school band
• Singing in the choir
• Helping out with extracurricular affairs
• Being involved with societies at university
• Learning about technical things in my degree
• Getting close to original thoughts
• Feeling like a somebody
• (purging)
  
• (being thin through purging)
• feeling sexually attractive

Except for the last three, there is a pattern with all of them. At least, I see one. When I expand myself to something, and someone above and beyond, someone talented and someone who was young but also highly abled; I felt special. I felt if this is my foundation what kind of special, dedicated and caring adult would I be?

A washout. Which is the real answer of my life.



The tension in my life is having the aspiration and meeting the reality. Being on a helium baloon like Pooh bear getting the honey; and then finding the bees. POP, and then suddenly I'm covered in shit.

Anyway lets focus on positives. Today I've cleared half of my schedule already (it is a full on day I must add); and I have pretty cool research tasks for the intern office day. Just when I was thinking of leaving...

Another positive is that I will (hopefully) get to start 'work' from next week (probably).