I realise why I get up so late these days. I get up late because it is increasingly cold outside of my duvet, and in the cold weather with my tired body all cosy and warm; the comfort and warmth of the duvet seems much more appealing.
As I looked at the time on my phone this morning (10:10 am) I realised the date. It's the middle of october. I've kept so busy with my schedule that I've forgotten about the past. I'm glad. I think that I am living my life in a way where now I can finally get rid of the past haunting me. While I do not mean a complete transition away from the past; I think there are many ways in which I am now forward-looking in my life.
When I was rejected from the first PhD application, I was truly heartbroken and I felt ost in time. If it weren't for Antonia, I'd be full blown depressed. It was more a matter of coping at that time. When I started university, and in my second year; I felt so isolated that time had no concept and the past was a brutal reminder of what was and what now is not.
In these autumn days, I get up and I think to myself: when will I hear from that basic disclosure. What's the next step from now? The next step from now, these past few months is the hope of hearing back from interviews and now, awaiting when my basic disclosure form gets back so I can finally start working. Once I start working I can start earning. I'm still applying for jobs as well. I almost feel guilty that as I've only just started a job; I'm still applying to others. I must overcome guilt. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and dog is on the menu in the kennels.
I feel tired, and a little cold. Maybe I'll say a few thoughts about yesterday. As I got up this morning I had so many thoughts and feelings and realisations. I felt that my mood is undergoing a distinct shift in consciousness (I hate that word in a non technical sense). So, yesterday I was troubled with sleeping by my nephew's constant chickenpox-crying. I only managed three hours of sleep yesterday (okay, so maybe I have a good reason to wake up late today :) ).
I missed the train to the office, so I had to walk to the tube and take a slightly longer route to work. The tube to work gets me there about in the same time as it would have to stay in the station and wait for the next train. The difference is that I feel more active walking to the station than sitting in one. I felt awkward and weird as per usual in that office. I feel this nervousness around my boss which is totally weird. Maybe because of my fear that she's actually my age and I'm some pissant intern who should be 6 years younger than her. Man, if she was actually my age she'd be really sucessful; maybe she started jobs from 2007 instead of doing a masters like me and ended up running a charity. Fuck.
Anyway the day consisted of small tasks undertaken for her, one included setting up her email account with an old .pst archive from her old computrons (see, I'm technical). I had some lunch, which consisted of co-op reduced aisle food, and powerade. Despite my tortilla sandwich (what do you call those? wraps?) and pesto (mmm I ate some nice pesto) being half price it costed me £4.21 for the whole thing. Somehow I feel like I've been gypped. It must be the damn powerade. So I gobbled down on lunch, while reading an article on feminism and objectification, then as I was eating, the boss came up to me and explained her task that she set me. It took ages to retreive her email (as it was a big file she sent me).
I felt exceptionally tired after lunch, perhaps it was the food, or the daunting chore that the boss gave me. I managed to go on until clocking out time, I read a bit of my review book as I got home; and I spent the rest of the day just winding down. I listened to 10 chapters of a music textbook from librivox; which was interesting, but also 'light' reading for me, I know most of the Italian words anyway. I also messaged this girl that I've been messaging for a week now. There's a distinct possibility of a date with her *excited*.
So the coming prospects for this day? We'll see...
As I looked at the time on my phone this morning (10:10 am) I realised the date. It's the middle of october. I've kept so busy with my schedule that I've forgotten about the past. I'm glad. I think that I am living my life in a way where now I can finally get rid of the past haunting me. While I do not mean a complete transition away from the past; I think there are many ways in which I am now forward-looking in my life.
When I was rejected from the first PhD application, I was truly heartbroken and I felt ost in time. If it weren't for Antonia, I'd be full blown depressed. It was more a matter of coping at that time. When I started university, and in my second year; I felt so isolated that time had no concept and the past was a brutal reminder of what was and what now is not.
In these autumn days, I get up and I think to myself: when will I hear from that basic disclosure. What's the next step from now? The next step from now, these past few months is the hope of hearing back from interviews and now, awaiting when my basic disclosure form gets back so I can finally start working. Once I start working I can start earning. I'm still applying for jobs as well. I almost feel guilty that as I've only just started a job; I'm still applying to others. I must overcome guilt. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and dog is on the menu in the kennels.
I feel tired, and a little cold. Maybe I'll say a few thoughts about yesterday. As I got up this morning I had so many thoughts and feelings and realisations. I felt that my mood is undergoing a distinct shift in consciousness (I hate that word in a non technical sense). So, yesterday I was troubled with sleeping by my nephew's constant chickenpox-crying. I only managed three hours of sleep yesterday (okay, so maybe I have a good reason to wake up late today :) ).
I missed the train to the office, so I had to walk to the tube and take a slightly longer route to work. The tube to work gets me there about in the same time as it would have to stay in the station and wait for the next train. The difference is that I feel more active walking to the station than sitting in one. I felt awkward and weird as per usual in that office. I feel this nervousness around my boss which is totally weird. Maybe because of my fear that she's actually my age and I'm some pissant intern who should be 6 years younger than her. Man, if she was actually my age she'd be really sucessful; maybe she started jobs from 2007 instead of doing a masters like me and ended up running a charity. Fuck.
Anyway the day consisted of small tasks undertaken for her, one included setting up her email account with an old .pst archive from her old computrons (see, I'm technical). I had some lunch, which consisted of co-op reduced aisle food, and powerade. Despite my tortilla sandwich (what do you call those? wraps?) and pesto (mmm I ate some nice pesto) being half price it costed me £4.21 for the whole thing. Somehow I feel like I've been gypped. It must be the damn powerade. So I gobbled down on lunch, while reading an article on feminism and objectification, then as I was eating, the boss came up to me and explained her task that she set me. It took ages to retreive her email (as it was a big file she sent me).
I felt exceptionally tired after lunch, perhaps it was the food, or the daunting chore that the boss gave me. I managed to go on until clocking out time, I read a bit of my review book as I got home; and I spent the rest of the day just winding down. I listened to 10 chapters of a music textbook from librivox; which was interesting, but also 'light' reading for me, I know most of the Italian words anyway. I also messaged this girl that I've been messaging for a week now. There's a distinct possibility of a date with her *excited*.
So the coming prospects for this day? We'll see...
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