Good evening.
After yesterday's post, I found out that a close family friend died. I'm not really sure how to take it. It was a man whom, after talking to my dad; was in the generation of my grandfather, and my dad knew him as a younger man as a friend of my grandfather. I never got to know my grandfather, but it saddens me deeply to know that that generation is expiring slowly. I suppose that's the way of life, the old die, and the young come to be born, then the not so young become old and then die.
I began today in a sombre manner. Last night I had some trouble sleeping and I let 'mia' into my thoughts. After waking up, I prepared for the day of interning. Upon getting to the office, I noticed that no-one was in the office, but I found a work space to plant my laptop. After an hour of futility in trying to get on the internet; an ethernet cable gave me access and I finally found an email message. The Boss tells me that she's at a training day but another intern is coming in later. I had the task of calling her, and she gave me an instruction to scan some documents. I answered some calls (it was scary) and I just let some others ring to nothing. Since I was the only one in the office (of that company; the office comprises of three organisations), I had to answer the phone, well I didn't have to, but I took initiative. I felt the guy who talked to me was a bit rude, I think he's the new guy replacing hot-girl. The girl last week I realise was a new intern, while cute; she's not hot-girl's replacement.
I felt terribly anxious today, not least because my laptop is shitty and not working and I wasted time with the whole internet malarky. Here are some other things that got me anxious today:
I purged earlier. That's twice this week. Tomorrow comes the interview, then I go home. Saturday and sunday will be training days. At least my week is filled up...
After getting home from the internship, I feel on edge, I feel like I've got so many things to do, preparing for the interview to make sure nothing goes wrong: research the thinktank; print CVs; prepare clothes; prepare route; email route to phone; plan the time I wake up, put on clothes, leave the house. Its so much preparation with little respite in return.
The thing that worries me the most is the feeling of powerlessness. I'm powerless about getting a job. I'm powerless about asserting my positive traits and abilities, and I'm powerless to lose weight.
Enter mia.
After describing my day in those terms, it makes the rationale of my purging much more cogent.
Now I end this post, the other task I have for tonight is clearing up my MP3 player (I do this often to remove the 'fluff' in my playlist) and putting in some podcasts to listen to on the way to the thinktank tomorrow. Preparedness is a virtue.
After yesterday's post, I found out that a close family friend died. I'm not really sure how to take it. It was a man whom, after talking to my dad; was in the generation of my grandfather, and my dad knew him as a younger man as a friend of my grandfather. I never got to know my grandfather, but it saddens me deeply to know that that generation is expiring slowly. I suppose that's the way of life, the old die, and the young come to be born, then the not so young become old and then die.
I began today in a sombre manner. Last night I had some trouble sleeping and I let 'mia' into my thoughts. After waking up, I prepared for the day of interning. Upon getting to the office, I noticed that no-one was in the office, but I found a work space to plant my laptop. After an hour of futility in trying to get on the internet; an ethernet cable gave me access and I finally found an email message. The Boss tells me that she's at a training day but another intern is coming in later. I had the task of calling her, and she gave me an instruction to scan some documents. I answered some calls (it was scary) and I just let some others ring to nothing. Since I was the only one in the office (of that company; the office comprises of three organisations), I had to answer the phone, well I didn't have to, but I took initiative. I felt the guy who talked to me was a bit rude, I think he's the new guy replacing hot-girl. The girl last week I realise was a new intern, while cute; she's not hot-girl's replacement.
I felt terribly anxious today, not least because my laptop is shitty and not working and I wasted time with the whole internet malarky. Here are some other things that got me anxious today:
- Having to call The Boss on the phone
- Having to take calls for the company. I can be a receptionist IF YOU FUCKING PAID ME
- Having tasks set by The Boss that were a bit too technical for me. I'm an administrative intern, not a web designer. Also, you need to pay me before I start learning SQL
- The fear of more phone calls coming to the office
- General anxiety from hippy-girl texting me this morning. Fuck, I thought I was rid of her. Now its going to go on and on until I unhappily lead her on. I didn't feel a 'connection' with her.
- Interview tomorrow
- Feeling fat, I'm 230lbs again. FUCK
- fat=insecure
- I got some responses on an academic forum that upset me. They said that PhD research is next to impossible with funds nowadays unless you are an elite, and I'm not an elite. Self-funding looks like the only option. In addition, I think that independent research will be very difficult, if not, impossible. Pessimism about my true love.
- I'm fat
- I'm alone
- I'm anxious
- I'm not getting paid
- I'm in this internship for too long
- I hate the fact that I'm going to land into anohter fucking internship
- I need money
- I'm worried about that community task force thing the job centre pressured me about
- I'm anxious about the interview tomorrow
- I feel like I'm not good enough for the interview
- I feel like I'm not good enough for academia
- I feel like I'm not good enough for life
- I hate the contradiction I feel between being able to read very technical pieces of writing and yet I'm percieved as having no skills.
- I have no social skills
- The only skills of social I have come from if I'm thin
I purged earlier. That's twice this week. Tomorrow comes the interview, then I go home. Saturday and sunday will be training days. At least my week is filled up...
After getting home from the internship, I feel on edge, I feel like I've got so many things to do, preparing for the interview to make sure nothing goes wrong: research the thinktank; print CVs; prepare clothes; prepare route; email route to phone; plan the time I wake up, put on clothes, leave the house. Its so much preparation with little respite in return.
The thing that worries me the most is the feeling of powerlessness. I'm powerless about getting a job. I'm powerless about asserting my positive traits and abilities, and I'm powerless to lose weight.
Enter mia.
After describing my day in those terms, it makes the rationale of my purging much more cogent.
Now I end this post, the other task I have for tonight is clearing up my MP3 player (I do this often to remove the 'fluff' in my playlist) and putting in some podcasts to listen to on the way to the thinktank tomorrow. Preparedness is a virtue.
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