My 'date' for tonight texted me. She's busy with recording (yes she's a recording artist of a sort - not porn though [why is that the first thing I clarified?]) so she's put off the initial time of 7pm to 9pm. At least she's still game. Or so I say at 19:35. So, what's the plan? Wait for some 30 minutes; go to ATM, withdraw 10 quids, then go to the station and begin my journey . I've not exactly determined a way to get back home either. I'm being very impulsive. I don't feel impulsive, I feel flabby, and I've eaten a limited amount today.
What did I eat today? I had a lucozade, a baguette from an amazing place near the office. One thing that was weird was that, on the way home; the vendor of the baguette shop was on the phone, with a pram, and talking about a drugs deal. That was a little fucked up. That's london for you. When I got home, I ate a couple of those store bought pancakes, and a pot noodle. While it was insubstantial, I'm preparing to go light for my date. Shall I do cologne? perhaps. I had an aromatic bath this morning, but then again I did sweat.
Boy, it was bloody busy in the office this morning. I've been away two weeks and it turns into some pandemonious nightmare. Not enough seats to go around, nor electric plugs for my laptop. I felt genuinely exploited, as there were a lot of new interns and I felt like the old dog who was going to get shot in the head. There is a new couple of people and I think they are full time staff. One of them is fairly cute, not a model-looking stunner like the girl before (hmmm, she was hot; with those sexy flip flops and over the top fake blonde hair); the new girl reminds me of a female sociology student; rough around the edges, smokes (cos the rebels always smoke), disorderly hair, and a boho-chic about her. It makes me feel a little nostalgic. Mmm sociology girls. I wish I had the confidence to ask one of them out. I was a different person back then; a dweeb, a loser, a loner, a fatty. Well, I'm still a fatty now.
I'll tell you one thing that's a bit fucked up about my recent efforts with dieting. When I have a reduced diet (and I don't mean like seriously reduced more like >1800kcal per day, I start feeling lethargic at brief moments. I hate lethargy. The way I find that makes me eat less and yet avoids lethargy is if I jog in the day. It's like I free up energy in my body that I normally wouldn't. I want to ask my body: why are you so lethargic when you have so much spare energy in our body?!
Ah, it's a mess.
At least I'm not thinking about the date and getting nervous. I mean, until just now.
I have found one way to counter nervousness; don't think about it until the last minute. If I weren't so lethargic I'd catch up on my schedule; I've done tidbits of tasks and job searches but nothing special. I wonder if I'll get back home tonight. Let's say: if I go out to see her and she's not a guy (like last time - so I suspected [that girl last time had some manly sweat odours though...]), and nice, and I can talk to her; then it's a succesful date. If I go home without some action (we had some horny chats), that's fine too. If I have sex with her, then the anxiety comes, and I'm not quite sure how I'll feel. I'm really nervous about that. My dick has been bulging on and off all day (and all week), and I've found it pleasant only when I can hide it. Cold weather means jackets that have a flap over the fap sack. That's always good. I'll be really nervous about having sex, I'll worry if my dick is pissy, my ass is pooey (cos i too wee wee and poo poo out of them respectively); or if I shoot too early; I'm worried if I dont make her cum, or if I dont know how; I'm worried if I dont cum cos I'm nervous; I'm worried if i start crying after sex. I'm worried if I think when her naked body is in front of me and I want to run.
I can think of friends or confidantes giving me advice: be yourself, don't be someone else; stay calm; don't talk about your PhD proposal... all the fundamentals of dating advice. I'm feeling a bit chilly today, as well as tired; I hope I don't pass out during the date. I think I'll take my elegant jacket; especially since my shorter jacket is all sweaty. Maybe I'll change my socks, to look more like a real adult. I'm dressed as if I'm going to work. but not too formal to go to a wedding, but smart enough to go to wagamamas with new people. I'm typing and brain dumping cos I'm nervous and deflecting and I dont know who to talk to.
I better go. Just a few more minutes and I will have a formulae for the rest of the night:
1. Get cash
2. Go to station
3. Train change
4. Train to location
5. Walk to rendez vous point (noted in phone)
6. Call her when there
7. (date)
8. Optional: go home tonight
I dont know the rest after 7. I hope I have enough money adn I am not cut down into a pion of a lowly dog man like how Antonia used to do.
Okay, date-wait fear rant over. Laters
p.s. wish me luck, cos I need it
pps. I'm scared
ppps. i shouldn't have picked this cologne
What did I eat today? I had a lucozade, a baguette from an amazing place near the office. One thing that was weird was that, on the way home; the vendor of the baguette shop was on the phone, with a pram, and talking about a drugs deal. That was a little fucked up. That's london for you. When I got home, I ate a couple of those store bought pancakes, and a pot noodle. While it was insubstantial, I'm preparing to go light for my date. Shall I do cologne? perhaps. I had an aromatic bath this morning, but then again I did sweat.
Boy, it was bloody busy in the office this morning. I've been away two weeks and it turns into some pandemonious nightmare. Not enough seats to go around, nor electric plugs for my laptop. I felt genuinely exploited, as there were a lot of new interns and I felt like the old dog who was going to get shot in the head. There is a new couple of people and I think they are full time staff. One of them is fairly cute, not a model-looking stunner like the girl before (hmmm, she was hot; with those sexy flip flops and over the top fake blonde hair); the new girl reminds me of a female sociology student; rough around the edges, smokes (cos the rebels always smoke), disorderly hair, and a boho-chic about her. It makes me feel a little nostalgic. Mmm sociology girls. I wish I had the confidence to ask one of them out. I was a different person back then; a dweeb, a loser, a loner, a fatty. Well, I'm still a fatty now.
I'll tell you one thing that's a bit fucked up about my recent efforts with dieting. When I have a reduced diet (and I don't mean like seriously reduced more like >1800kcal per day, I start feeling lethargic at brief moments. I hate lethargy. The way I find that makes me eat less and yet avoids lethargy is if I jog in the day. It's like I free up energy in my body that I normally wouldn't. I want to ask my body: why are you so lethargic when you have so much spare energy in our body?!
Ah, it's a mess.
At least I'm not thinking about the date and getting nervous. I mean, until just now.
I have found one way to counter nervousness; don't think about it until the last minute. If I weren't so lethargic I'd catch up on my schedule; I've done tidbits of tasks and job searches but nothing special. I wonder if I'll get back home tonight. Let's say: if I go out to see her and she's not a guy (like last time - so I suspected [that girl last time had some manly sweat odours though...]), and nice, and I can talk to her; then it's a succesful date. If I go home without some action (we had some horny chats), that's fine too. If I have sex with her, then the anxiety comes, and I'm not quite sure how I'll feel. I'm really nervous about that. My dick has been bulging on and off all day (and all week), and I've found it pleasant only when I can hide it. Cold weather means jackets that have a flap over the fap sack. That's always good. I'll be really nervous about having sex, I'll worry if my dick is pissy, my ass is pooey (cos i too wee wee and poo poo out of them respectively); or if I shoot too early; I'm worried if I dont make her cum, or if I dont know how; I'm worried if I dont cum cos I'm nervous; I'm worried if i start crying after sex. I'm worried if I think when her naked body is in front of me and I want to run.
I can think of friends or confidantes giving me advice: be yourself, don't be someone else; stay calm; don't talk about your PhD proposal... all the fundamentals of dating advice. I'm feeling a bit chilly today, as well as tired; I hope I don't pass out during the date. I think I'll take my elegant jacket; especially since my shorter jacket is all sweaty. Maybe I'll change my socks, to look more like a real adult. I'm dressed as if I'm going to work. but not too formal to go to a wedding, but smart enough to go to wagamamas with new people. I'm typing and brain dumping cos I'm nervous and deflecting and I dont know who to talk to.
I better go. Just a few more minutes and I will have a formulae for the rest of the night:
1. Get cash
2. Go to station
3. Train change
4. Train to location
5. Walk to rendez vous point (noted in phone)
6. Call her when there
7. (date)
8. Optional: go home tonight
I dont know the rest after 7. I hope I have enough money adn I am not cut down into a pion of a lowly dog man like how Antonia used to do.
Okay, date-wait fear rant over. Laters
p.s. wish me luck, cos I need it
pps. I'm scared
ppps. i shouldn't have picked this cologne
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