Today I've just recieved payment for a tutoring/essay marking task that someone requested of me.
I bought a shirt yesterday, a base layer; it looked pretty cool, its obviously too small for me presently but it is a nice military olive green. I bought this in the hope that the tutoring money would cover it, and so I would break even. JSA money is coming in today, and I've got some 30 hours worth of computer training to do tomorrow. I'm quite hopeful of the future.
A friend of mine from a long time ago (a girl) is coming to visit England this month. I have some mixed feelings about the distant future. I miss Antonia, but I ought not to suck in her poison; her horrible horrible inner poison that I partly yearn. I feel a bit down because I miss her daughter. I killed a part of me last year, when I had to accept that the relationship ended, and that I couldn't have a future with either Antonia or the girl; or at least not the future I wanted.
Hearing about the various men who are after her upsets me. But perhaps what upsets me the most is how she gloats about it while I have relatively nothing in my life.
Suddenly my optimistic beginning of the post has turned to a bit of a low. Ex girlfriends do that to you. I have some oppurtunities for social eventings this weekend, however, I may decide to visit Antonia this weekend. It depends on my hours and whether I can spend monday travelling back from the west of the country.
I have to keep fighting.
On friday I did some training, my upper body is very weak. I blame that on my weight since I have more to carry it is harder to lift. I did a fair amount of cardio, about an hour of training and 2.5 miles; a fair amount of calisthenics as well. Today I did roughly the same and I also injured my neck a little while doing some weights. I think an injury is a good thing but when its on my neck I think that dangerous territory has been met. My weight is a difficult challenge, and I'm very self conscious about my belly. I am trying not to purge and at the moment my fight is strong. I think however, that with the summer coming up, and the warm weather; I'll make a good effort to really work out and earn the body I know that I deserve.
Right now, my body does not reflect who I want to be, I need to work and earn it.
Will there ever come a time when I accept myself for who I am fully?
Maybe when I'm thin. Or muscular.
I bought a shirt yesterday, a base layer; it looked pretty cool, its obviously too small for me presently but it is a nice military olive green. I bought this in the hope that the tutoring money would cover it, and so I would break even. JSA money is coming in today, and I've got some 30 hours worth of computer training to do tomorrow. I'm quite hopeful of the future.
A friend of mine from a long time ago (a girl) is coming to visit England this month. I have some mixed feelings about the distant future. I miss Antonia, but I ought not to suck in her poison; her horrible horrible inner poison that I partly yearn. I feel a bit down because I miss her daughter. I killed a part of me last year, when I had to accept that the relationship ended, and that I couldn't have a future with either Antonia or the girl; or at least not the future I wanted.
Hearing about the various men who are after her upsets me. But perhaps what upsets me the most is how she gloats about it while I have relatively nothing in my life.
Suddenly my optimistic beginning of the post has turned to a bit of a low. Ex girlfriends do that to you. I have some oppurtunities for social eventings this weekend, however, I may decide to visit Antonia this weekend. It depends on my hours and whether I can spend monday travelling back from the west of the country.
I have to keep fighting.
On friday I did some training, my upper body is very weak. I blame that on my weight since I have more to carry it is harder to lift. I did a fair amount of cardio, about an hour of training and 2.5 miles; a fair amount of calisthenics as well. Today I did roughly the same and I also injured my neck a little while doing some weights. I think an injury is a good thing but when its on my neck I think that dangerous territory has been met. My weight is a difficult challenge, and I'm very self conscious about my belly. I am trying not to purge and at the moment my fight is strong. I think however, that with the summer coming up, and the warm weather; I'll make a good effort to really work out and earn the body I know that I deserve.
Right now, my body does not reflect who I want to be, I need to work and earn it.
Will there ever come a time when I accept myself for who I am fully?
Maybe when I'm thin. Or muscular.
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