(P)urged

Control.
I'm losing it.
Eating, eating. I can't stop
I dont know why;  I don't know how

I don't know how I am losing control when I know I'll gain weight
I don't know how I'm continuing when I know this isn't what I want
I don't know how when I can see my corpulent ugliness

Control.
I'm losing it
Over my life. Over my future. Over my appearance
I'm looking for a job, I really am looking hard
Nothing's working out. It never really does.
I feel lost, the next week is planned, but nothing further.
I live in an eternity of uncertain tomorrows.

Hatred.
About myself.
I've made bad choices and I continue to make them.
It was a bad choice to start purging. It was a bad choice to stop.
It was a bad choice to chase Marie, she's just like you.
Beautiful, dark, comforting.
I thought she understood. I wanted to save her.
You are always there, even when I don't want you.

Hatred
About my body.
Fat people should be ashamed of themselves
Fat people are lazy
Fat people are ugly
Fat people have less rights and entitlements
Fat people don't care about you
Fat people are selfish
Fat people are stupid
Fat people don't get what they want
Fat people are alone
Fat people eat to hide their pain
Fat people wear bigger sizes to hide their shame
Fat people laugh and joke, but the real joke is them.
Fat people use humour to make people forget they are fat.
So at least they can say: 'at least he's funny!'
Fat people sometimes detach themselves.
I guess that's what I'm doing now.
They do it because they want to be different, but a good kind of different.
I may be fat but at least I'm not fake.
I may be fat but at least I'm smart
I may be fat but at least I'm better than you
But I'm not better than you. I'm not better than anyone.
The only person I'm competing with is myself

Comfort.
That's why I purged today
Escape.
I needed that too.
Like a balloon filled with too much air;
I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I found an oppurtunity.
The pressure and self-resentment building.

All the other girls go away eventually.
But you still stay.
Like a bad rash, you are always there.
Like my skin fungi; you are never far from the surface.
Waiting to emerge, waiting to exist.

I try to fight you.
I hate you.
But when no one else is there.
I cannot hate.
I'm desperate and I don't know where to go.
You welcome me like my tonsils welcome my fingers.

The feeling of relief.
As the liquid hits the bowl.
Solid waste, liquid obesity.
Emptying out of my hopeless body.

Make me beautiful, Mia.
I know I can trust you.
When everyone else doesn't seem to be on my side.
When everyone else seems to just judge.

You do not judge me.
It's odd really.
I didn't feel the strong urge to embrace you today.
But I did.
It's always like I saw.
It's never far beneath the surface. That being, my darker side.