I thought that I might post an update.
I called the local job centre, I said that I had an enquiry about my JSA payments. They referred me to the processing office at Makerfield, Preston.
After about 5-7 minutes of being on hold, the makerfield office ask for my details and say that they can't help. Apparently I still need to sign in and I didn't go this week.
I was told however by my advisor that I didn't need to sign on anymore, this was affirmed by the guys at REED. The nice lady on the phone at makerfield says I need to call my local job centre, or the REED guys. The REED guys say its not their responsibility; they repeated this last week. So I decided to call the local job centre. AGAIN. At this point, I lost face, even if it was on the phone. I felt hopeless, dispondent, broken and agitated. I feel so powerless and they ask me to chase them up. I distinctly feel that these people do not care.
I called them. 10 rings, they cancelled on me. I called again. 10 rings, same thing. I took a pause, half wrote an email to my advisor at REED, but then thought. I will call the local job centre again. I eventually got on to the phone. They referred me to the advisor. They put me on hold, twice. I finally get to the advisor, she says that she will call in 30 mins.
I don't know about you, but all this angst and disappointment and feeling tattered and broken really makes me want to purge. I also think its a rational response to this fucking nonsense of the world. I know things aren't perfect, but this is outright a bad situation. I appreciate that these guys are public sector and work with a lot of scummy people who are hopeless; but I cannot take this wild goose chase of 'call this number a', then 'a' telling me to call 'b', 'b' says to call 'a' and 'a' says to call either 'b' or 'c' or, maybe even 'd' (who the fuck is 'd'?) or 'a' without realising that i am calling them.
I hate this fucking paper chase, this phone tag; I hate having to get pocket money from the government despite the fat that I am one of the more skilled and more intelligent and more qualified of the population. I hate that other people who graduated from good universities like me are now in high power graduate jobs where they talk about earning £k's and have girlfriends and mortgages and cars and insurance and skydiving weekend hobbies and live without their parents.
I fucking hate that thsoe are the same guys who didn't necessarily work as hard as me. It's not who you know or what you know, but who you blow. Its fucking nepotism and egotism that gets you ahead and I'm left holding the used condoms.
I can't cope, I really can't cope. I don't deserve this. Or maybe worse of all is that I do.
I've been patient, I've tried to keep the peace. I am not sure for how much longer I can follow this fucking charade. I need relief from this horrid situation. I need to escape. I need even just temporary bliss.
I know that people don't think well of purging. They just outright say 'don't purge you stupid fuck' and call that caring.
I'm tired of those people. I'm tired of being angry at them and sad at me because I'm angry at them and they won't understand my anger without insulting me even more. Politeness makes me calm. I think they call that magnaminity.
My ex girlfriend used to give me so much shit and I just took it, all those guys from ADC gave me shit and I just took it. I took all that shit from marie; giving her so much and just being empty in return.
I fucking hate being self pitying. I fucking hate that you will read this and think this is some pathetic self-loathing bad styled sylvia plath ideosyncratic teenaged girl fucking rant that does not communicate the maturity of an adult male. I fucking hate it because you would be right in your analysis.
I'm supposed to be better than this, than all of this. I'm supposed to rise above all the anger and resentment, express stoic and serene calm; be buddha-like, zen-like, jedi-like.
I can answer to you and your judgments, or I could not care. I'm writing this for me and maybe anyone who reads this to understand what I am going through. In a sense I am not asking for your acceptance of my rationality, but I just sincerely wish that you understood. That you understand why I need to purge, why it is the only relief I can have in this otherwise bleak and desolate existence. I hide in my bed listening to audiobooks, that's my escape. My escape is avoiding the news and media and people and life and just hiding in books and learning.
And it all means nothing, no matter how many books I have read or new skills I may learn; I'm not that successful graduate, or PhD student, or businessman, or lover, or parent, or homeowner or whatever it is people at 23 are supposed to do. I'm just stuck, I'm suffocating. I'm srabbling for any kind of escape.
I don't want to be depressed, please believe me. Purging is the only thing that makes it all come together, the only thing that makes sense. When I show my truly dark side, my truly self-loathing and ultimately self-hating ego; people don't want to know. So I've stopped sharing. Don't bother, just pretend you are happy and people will like you, they will think you are normal.
People don't have time for me.
Mia does.
I called the local job centre, I said that I had an enquiry about my JSA payments. They referred me to the processing office at Makerfield, Preston.
After about 5-7 minutes of being on hold, the makerfield office ask for my details and say that they can't help. Apparently I still need to sign in and I didn't go this week.
I was told however by my advisor that I didn't need to sign on anymore, this was affirmed by the guys at REED. The nice lady on the phone at makerfield says I need to call my local job centre, or the REED guys. The REED guys say its not their responsibility; they repeated this last week. So I decided to call the local job centre. AGAIN. At this point, I lost face, even if it was on the phone. I felt hopeless, dispondent, broken and agitated. I feel so powerless and they ask me to chase them up. I distinctly feel that these people do not care.
I called them. 10 rings, they cancelled on me. I called again. 10 rings, same thing. I took a pause, half wrote an email to my advisor at REED, but then thought. I will call the local job centre again. I eventually got on to the phone. They referred me to the advisor. They put me on hold, twice. I finally get to the advisor, she says that she will call in 30 mins.
I don't know about you, but all this angst and disappointment and feeling tattered and broken really makes me want to purge. I also think its a rational response to this fucking nonsense of the world. I know things aren't perfect, but this is outright a bad situation. I appreciate that these guys are public sector and work with a lot of scummy people who are hopeless; but I cannot take this wild goose chase of 'call this number a', then 'a' telling me to call 'b', 'b' says to call 'a' and 'a' says to call either 'b' or 'c' or, maybe even 'd' (who the fuck is 'd'?) or 'a' without realising that i am calling them.
I hate this fucking paper chase, this phone tag; I hate having to get pocket money from the government despite the fat that I am one of the more skilled and more intelligent and more qualified of the population. I hate that other people who graduated from good universities like me are now in high power graduate jobs where they talk about earning £k's and have girlfriends and mortgages and cars and insurance and skydiving weekend hobbies and live without their parents.
I fucking hate that thsoe are the same guys who didn't necessarily work as hard as me. It's not who you know or what you know, but who you blow. Its fucking nepotism and egotism that gets you ahead and I'm left holding the used condoms.
I can't cope, I really can't cope. I don't deserve this. Or maybe worse of all is that I do.
I've been patient, I've tried to keep the peace. I am not sure for how much longer I can follow this fucking charade. I need relief from this horrid situation. I need to escape. I need even just temporary bliss.
I know that people don't think well of purging. They just outright say 'don't purge you stupid fuck' and call that caring.
I'm tired of those people. I'm tired of being angry at them and sad at me because I'm angry at them and they won't understand my anger without insulting me even more. Politeness makes me calm. I think they call that magnaminity.
My ex girlfriend used to give me so much shit and I just took it, all those guys from ADC gave me shit and I just took it. I took all that shit from marie; giving her so much and just being empty in return.
I fucking hate being self pitying. I fucking hate that you will read this and think this is some pathetic self-loathing bad styled sylvia plath ideosyncratic teenaged girl fucking rant that does not communicate the maturity of an adult male. I fucking hate it because you would be right in your analysis.
I'm supposed to be better than this, than all of this. I'm supposed to rise above all the anger and resentment, express stoic and serene calm; be buddha-like, zen-like, jedi-like.
I can answer to you and your judgments, or I could not care. I'm writing this for me and maybe anyone who reads this to understand what I am going through. In a sense I am not asking for your acceptance of my rationality, but I just sincerely wish that you understood. That you understand why I need to purge, why it is the only relief I can have in this otherwise bleak and desolate existence. I hide in my bed listening to audiobooks, that's my escape. My escape is avoiding the news and media and people and life and just hiding in books and learning.
And it all means nothing, no matter how many books I have read or new skills I may learn; I'm not that successful graduate, or PhD student, or businessman, or lover, or parent, or homeowner or whatever it is people at 23 are supposed to do. I'm just stuck, I'm suffocating. I'm srabbling for any kind of escape.
I don't want to be depressed, please believe me. Purging is the only thing that makes it all come together, the only thing that makes sense. When I show my truly dark side, my truly self-loathing and ultimately self-hating ego; people don't want to know. So I've stopped sharing. Don't bother, just pretend you are happy and people will like you, they will think you are normal.
People don't have time for me.
Mia does.
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