One way of considering the deep feeling of despair is like growing down. To feel such overwhelming despair makes one feel as if they are returning to a former infant state, to feel so overwhelmed by feeling, not knowing how to cope is to regress into a child-like state.
I am lost
I don't know where I am going
I cannot improve things
These are thoughts which put ourselves to an uncomfortable vulnerability, it is a child who is vulnerable, and relies on the parent to support them. To be taken by despair, in some occaisions, is to have no defense against it. When I am taken by despair recently, I still have some reserves of fighting determination against it, but I do fear. Fear is when the despair grows, my fears are that I don't know what will happen in the future, my fears are the uncertainties of the now, when all my friends and family are comfortable and secure, both epistemically of their path, and in a metaphysical sense, to actually be secure is a state of living, a thing about a person, like Christian salvation, we are either damned or saved.
I seek salvation from this despair, the Christians will have you believe that it is in Jesus where our situation is relieved, and it is in death where our salvation lies. I seek salvation of any kind, I want to escape this situation. I suppose in my desparation I will pray. I am desperate, I am scared, I dont have emotional defenses to overcome this. Give my soul salvation, and may I find some way to escape this, and in finding it, I will have more knowledge of my situation.
This is my despair. I could react by regressing to a more child-like state, vulnerable, affected by everything, almost to the point of oversimplifying things, making the issue reduce to a more simple issue like 'I don't want to live' or 'I cant get out of bed'.
I was 'improving' over the past few months. This is a personal challenge that I didn't want to undertake, I wanted to get into uni and study, and have my own set of issues of funding and studying. Now my situation has worsened and I am, well, and truly, lost, and scared.
I feel this inexpressible desparation, too persistant to be nothing and yet, too inarticulate to be said, this feeling of a silver lining dying out in my chest, a flickering light that fears extinction. Antonia told me about Louise Hay, a motivtional writer, I suppose you may call her. I think I shall listen to that before I sleep. I'll try to get up bright and early tomorrow.
I'm so scared. The only way to fight the despair is to embrace those fears, meet them head on, and overcome the tendency to regress or 'grow down'. I have to...grow up. Perhaps that's what I needed to do this whole time. I didn't know how to swallow pills until 2005, I don't know how to be independent, even to this day I am dependent on my parents.
I guess that is one resolution I can add to the list...Grow up
I am lost
I don't know where I am going
I cannot improve things
These are thoughts which put ourselves to an uncomfortable vulnerability, it is a child who is vulnerable, and relies on the parent to support them. To be taken by despair, in some occaisions, is to have no defense against it. When I am taken by despair recently, I still have some reserves of fighting determination against it, but I do fear. Fear is when the despair grows, my fears are that I don't know what will happen in the future, my fears are the uncertainties of the now, when all my friends and family are comfortable and secure, both epistemically of their path, and in a metaphysical sense, to actually be secure is a state of living, a thing about a person, like Christian salvation, we are either damned or saved.
I seek salvation from this despair, the Christians will have you believe that it is in Jesus where our situation is relieved, and it is in death where our salvation lies. I seek salvation of any kind, I want to escape this situation. I suppose in my desparation I will pray. I am desperate, I am scared, I dont have emotional defenses to overcome this. Give my soul salvation, and may I find some way to escape this, and in finding it, I will have more knowledge of my situation.
This is my despair. I could react by regressing to a more child-like state, vulnerable, affected by everything, almost to the point of oversimplifying things, making the issue reduce to a more simple issue like 'I don't want to live' or 'I cant get out of bed'.
I was 'improving' over the past few months. This is a personal challenge that I didn't want to undertake, I wanted to get into uni and study, and have my own set of issues of funding and studying. Now my situation has worsened and I am, well, and truly, lost, and scared.
I feel this inexpressible desparation, too persistant to be nothing and yet, too inarticulate to be said, this feeling of a silver lining dying out in my chest, a flickering light that fears extinction. Antonia told me about Louise Hay, a motivtional writer, I suppose you may call her. I think I shall listen to that before I sleep. I'll try to get up bright and early tomorrow.
I'm so scared. The only way to fight the despair is to embrace those fears, meet them head on, and overcome the tendency to regress or 'grow down'. I have to...grow up. Perhaps that's what I needed to do this whole time. I didn't know how to swallow pills until 2005, I don't know how to be independent, even to this day I am dependent on my parents.
I guess that is one resolution I can add to the list...Grow up
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