I am currently typing on this laptop because it is analternative reaction to having my head in my hands. I feel a dry, clenching feeling on my throat as I come to the realisation of what I have just seen/ I suppose that my challenge for now is how to react to what I have just seen. Every few words I type on this post right now is interspersed with a sporatic pause in my typing. I suppose I am pausing, and thus, my actual rhythm of speech and thought is not as flowing as this current prose. I am currently shocked.
My grade for my dissertation.
I nearly failed it. It was just one mark above a pass.
In some respeects, it is a miracle that I have gone so far. I have nearly failed my masters degree by one mark. This is deeply shameful for me.
What happened is in the past, however, it affects EVERYTHING today.
Now that I am in shock, I need to try and distract myself; here is my ranting/stream
Today I have had a shower, not a shave, however, because the water of the hot shower had fogged up the mirror. I have also tidied up my bed, put in my receipt data to log all my recent transactions, did a bit of the dishes, made a list of what to buy for shopping. I put some food in the microwave that I have forgotten to get back into my room, I need to get it now. I could just procrastinate and think about getting it an actually not get it. I have a resistance to going downstairs, on account of bieng seen by my flatmates, I want to hide from them now that I am not an actual student and I need to pay council tax and shit.
I think it is a good idea that I don't go do my graduation. I think its also a good idea to go to another university. I've had enough of this place. I tried to make things anew and in many ways I have made some improvements. I met Antonia, learned about myself, lost weight, started to be independent, and learned domestic skills and methods of coping with these feelings.
Here's what I'm going to do now. I'm going to go downstairs and eat that bowl of pasta bake. Then maybe I'll go for a walk and get some snacks or something. I think today I won't do anything in the sense of big decisions or the like. I need to keep busy so that I can ride out what I have just learned today.
Toodles, I'm off to the microwave for some (probably cold) pasta bake
My grade for my dissertation.
I nearly failed it. It was just one mark above a pass.
In some respeects, it is a miracle that I have gone so far. I have nearly failed my masters degree by one mark. This is deeply shameful for me.
What happened is in the past, however, it affects EVERYTHING today.
Now that I am in shock, I need to try and distract myself; here is my ranting/stream
Today I have had a shower, not a shave, however, because the water of the hot shower had fogged up the mirror. I have also tidied up my bed, put in my receipt data to log all my recent transactions, did a bit of the dishes, made a list of what to buy for shopping. I put some food in the microwave that I have forgotten to get back into my room, I need to get it now. I could just procrastinate and think about getting it an actually not get it. I have a resistance to going downstairs, on account of bieng seen by my flatmates, I want to hide from them now that I am not an actual student and I need to pay council tax and shit.
I think it is a good idea that I don't go do my graduation. I think its also a good idea to go to another university. I've had enough of this place. I tried to make things anew and in many ways I have made some improvements. I met Antonia, learned about myself, lost weight, started to be independent, and learned domestic skills and methods of coping with these feelings.
Here's what I'm going to do now. I'm going to go downstairs and eat that bowl of pasta bake. Then maybe I'll go for a walk and get some snacks or something. I think today I won't do anything in the sense of big decisions or the like. I need to keep busy so that I can ride out what I have just learned today.
Toodles, I'm off to the microwave for some (probably cold) pasta bake
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