Had my first purge in about 3-4 days.
Contents:
i. Tortelloni (is that the right pronunciation?)...1000kcals (inc. sauce)
ii. Cookies (Sainsbury's basics)...300-400kcals
iii. Some milk, and black coffee...150 kcals?
When I purged, it feels like a big cuddle goes over me, it gives me an emotional boost, it makes me feel good. When I purged, It felt so right, it felt so normal, it was just something I do that is normal for me, like putting on my clothes, having a wank, shaving, it's habitually encoded in my routine such taht I hardly reflect to think that this is 'wrong', or evil, or bad.
Three things did frighten me though:
1. When I flushed the pipes made this really loud sound, which might have damaged the toilet which made me come to think that....
2. Someone might find out and judge me badly for purging. Another thing that frightens me is...
3. The smell. The acid smell is an unforgettable reminder of what I am doing. I am putting my fingers down my throat to expel food out of me so that my digestive system will feed on itself, will starve so that I will get thin.
The smell of the acid is like a smell of death, its an image, a feeling, a sense, that is unforgettable and nothing can take away hwo horrible it is.
It's glamourous to be beautiful, to fight in the light of difficulty.
It's not glamourous to smell that disgusting stomach acid. I may have changed the meaning of vomit to be a good thing...but the acid is like a little reminder...the acid is disgusting, horrific...and it came out of me.
What am I doing to myself?
...I'm trying to cope
It's a coping strategy.
I feel quite low now...
Contents:
i. Tortelloni (is that the right pronunciation?)...1000kcals (inc. sauce)
ii. Cookies (Sainsbury's basics)...300-400kcals
iii. Some milk, and black coffee...150 kcals?
When I purged, it feels like a big cuddle goes over me, it gives me an emotional boost, it makes me feel good. When I purged, It felt so right, it felt so normal, it was just something I do that is normal for me, like putting on my clothes, having a wank, shaving, it's habitually encoded in my routine such taht I hardly reflect to think that this is 'wrong', or evil, or bad.
Three things did frighten me though:
1. When I flushed the pipes made this really loud sound, which might have damaged the toilet which made me come to think that....
2. Someone might find out and judge me badly for purging. Another thing that frightens me is...
3. The smell. The acid smell is an unforgettable reminder of what I am doing. I am putting my fingers down my throat to expel food out of me so that my digestive system will feed on itself, will starve so that I will get thin.
The smell of the acid is like a smell of death, its an image, a feeling, a sense, that is unforgettable and nothing can take away hwo horrible it is.
It's glamourous to be beautiful, to fight in the light of difficulty.
It's not glamourous to smell that disgusting stomach acid. I may have changed the meaning of vomit to be a good thing...but the acid is like a little reminder...the acid is disgusting, horrific...and it came out of me.
What am I doing to myself?
...I'm trying to cope
It's a coping strategy.
I feel quite low now...
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