when I think of how I could be successful and organised...I despair at how I have failed myself.
But then, my attention turns to the fact that I am fat.
I sweat too much.
I am fat
I havne't gotten a PhD arranged yet.
I don't know if I'm going to
I don't know if I'll have the money
My MP3 player is broken...
I'm without an MP3 player....
it's weird, ya know. There was a time in my second year of uni; that was when my anxiety started.
There were periods where I felt utterly utterly lost. Lost in time, lost in history, lost in place. I was so envious of those people who had moved on in their lives; those people who had moved forward.
Where, look at me, I thought; I had nothing; and I WAS FAT; I couldn't get a girlfriend, cos I was fat; but I thought then to myself, what a shallow thought, but then I thought look how much you have degraded in your integrity to think about girls and feel upset by this.
*Trigger*
I just felt a trigger now; I need to tell my story before I digress into another one.
So in my second year, my laptop broke. My laptop was from my dad that he bought in 2003. You know, it was pretty cool cos I never had a laptop before. I sort of stole it off him as I started uni. I had my porno on it, wanked off using it, and played games. At the time, I thought it was the top of the range. Now I have two laptops, a PDA, and a new MP3 player with wifi on the way. Anyway...
At the period where my computer broke, I was lost, I needed my funding body to give me my disability equipment, but I was lost for about 2 weeks; lost my notes and all that. I felt so utterly alone during those days. I had no friends, and those old friends that I did have I held on to them for my dear life; and you know what? They were the sucky friends, the ones who make you miserable; well, I was miserable anyway, give a starving man poison water and you see him drink.
I felt so very lost during those days, I had so little going for me.
My life, the peak of my life is in the very cusp of being granted. If I can fight I will achieve.
It never stops getting harder, not for me. Why doesn't it get hard for anyone else? Why is everything against me? It's all my fault.
....AND, YOU'RE FAT
I miss marie very dearly. I haven't purged in a few days.
I wonder if this means I don't have an eating disorder.
I was only purging for a month or so when I met marie...at the time I was just starting and I don't think it counted.
I tell the GP but they just way "okay" and are on with it....
Part of me thinks that I am not alone. If I wasn't alone, why aren't they helping me.
I wonder to myself. Did I really help her? Did I make a difference to her life?
Why wasn't I good enough?
I feel this strong suspicion she is having it off with some other guy (or girl); or both at the same time... that makes me want to purge.
I ate some KFC today. I could go and purge it right now. But I feel hungry now...I might end up eating more and having net calorie gain.
Maybe I can eat negative calories....
When will it end?
But then, my attention turns to the fact that I am fat.
I sweat too much.
I am fat
I havne't gotten a PhD arranged yet.
I don't know if I'm going to
I don't know if I'll have the money
My MP3 player is broken...
I'm without an MP3 player....
it's weird, ya know. There was a time in my second year of uni; that was when my anxiety started.
There were periods where I felt utterly utterly lost. Lost in time, lost in history, lost in place. I was so envious of those people who had moved on in their lives; those people who had moved forward.
Where, look at me, I thought; I had nothing; and I WAS FAT; I couldn't get a girlfriend, cos I was fat; but I thought then to myself, what a shallow thought, but then I thought look how much you have degraded in your integrity to think about girls and feel upset by this.
*Trigger*
I just felt a trigger now; I need to tell my story before I digress into another one.
So in my second year, my laptop broke. My laptop was from my dad that he bought in 2003. You know, it was pretty cool cos I never had a laptop before. I sort of stole it off him as I started uni. I had my porno on it, wanked off using it, and played games. At the time, I thought it was the top of the range. Now I have two laptops, a PDA, and a new MP3 player with wifi on the way. Anyway...
At the period where my computer broke, I was lost, I needed my funding body to give me my disability equipment, but I was lost for about 2 weeks; lost my notes and all that. I felt so utterly alone during those days. I had no friends, and those old friends that I did have I held on to them for my dear life; and you know what? They were the sucky friends, the ones who make you miserable; well, I was miserable anyway, give a starving man poison water and you see him drink.
I felt so very lost during those days, I had so little going for me.
My life, the peak of my life is in the very cusp of being granted. If I can fight I will achieve.
It never stops getting harder, not for me. Why doesn't it get hard for anyone else? Why is everything against me? It's all my fault.
....AND, YOU'RE FAT
I miss marie very dearly. I haven't purged in a few days.
I wonder if this means I don't have an eating disorder.
I was only purging for a month or so when I met marie...at the time I was just starting and I don't think it counted.
I tell the GP but they just way "okay" and are on with it....
Part of me thinks that I am not alone. If I wasn't alone, why aren't they helping me.
I wonder to myself. Did I really help her? Did I make a difference to her life?
Why wasn't I good enough?
I feel this strong suspicion she is having it off with some other guy (or girl); or both at the same time... that makes me want to purge.
I ate some KFC today. I could go and purge it right now. But I feel hungry now...I might end up eating more and having net calorie gain.
Maybe I can eat negative calories....
When will it end?
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