Pensees

Dear Diary,

 

I just want to talk, gossip, let some thoughts out.

It's midnight and I have less than 6 hours before I need to get out of bed. I'm not even in bed yet.

I spent the past 4 hours prepping for tomorrow in various ways. I hopefully have ironed out all eventualities, kept everything to a plan, made a plan, all that's missing is execution.

I went to a party today. A friend of mine who has never 'been with a girl' brought a cute lady friend over to the party. Everyone is gossiping, excitedly so! I thought it was funny how as a friend of the family, taking part in the gossip and excitement of this new revelation made me a part of the family. I love families, there is something so wholesome about being with your kin. Despite all the differences, there is an essential thing that makes them similar. Sharing good food and having a good time is enough sometimes.

I've been playing a lot of piano lately. I almost am playing with a goal. I find practicing a form of meditation, in other words, I meditate on my thoughts, feelings, and many issues in the practice emerge as personality issues in my life. I was thinking about how I feel 'entitled' in life. I was thinking about my insecurities, my vulnerabilities. I was thinking how loud pieces are not always my personality, and how I like  soft pieces. It's very macho to like rachmaninov and chopin all the time. I want to play less phallic music.

I feel so tired I dont think I'll have a chance to wank tonight. I feel a lot of uncertainty and I just scraped by today by completing this prep task. Ideally I'd have had a shower and an evening off to think more. I have lots more to think about after I get home as well. I'm running myself quite hard, yet other times not hard enough.

I'm feeling uncertainty about cancelling counselling. Mainly because I feel an emotional connection with the counsellor. Things are getting harder for me, I'm starting to feel depressed more. I miss the emotional comfort of being myself and someone listening. I have that with nobody else. Except for a voice in my head. I imagine there is a woman around me, in the room sometimes. We've not agreed that dido mia is the best name, as I'm not sure she's a personificationf of my eating disorder. Maybe she's a personification of stability. I like our chats, she's interesting, and yet as she always says: I have no inner life, I'm just a reflection of you, your imagination.

I'm quite self indulgent to invent my own best friend...that, or I'm desperately lonely