Kicking the ladder down

Dear Diary,

Lots of vignettes of thought are going through my head today, little things like:

• Can I feel sexy in a tight shirt? (yes)
• Should I rely on new female romantic interests for emotional support?
• Should I have a shower after the gym?
• Can I go clothes shopping?
• Have I done enough today? (I've applied to 3 jobs through an agency, set up new job RSS feeds, listened to an audiobook on Spinoza)
• Should I eat more now, before I go outside?

My head is rushing with little thoughts. The worst of the anxiety has passed. I'm picking up the pieces today and getting on with life. Today i'm going for a counselling session, I have 3 more sessions to go before I quit. The past 5 or so days have not been good, so I will probably have to talk about it. This morning I saw some of the 'small' size shirts in my wardrobe and found that they were fitting me. I still have lots more work to do when it comes to fitness, but if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'll have a better body.

Life isn't great. The more time that passes without me getting into a decent job, the more damage I'll suffer. I remember that there was a boy in school who used to be a really good friend of mine. I had a dream about him last night. We were best friends, we were born on the same day. This guy was an academic achiever when we were friends, and I was the dumbass, but somehow after GCSEs, he fell in with a different group of friends and he dropped out of 'A' levels and didn't bother with uni, and got in trouble at school because of his overly long hair.

I had a dream where I was dropping off a letter to his house, I dont exactly remember what the letter said or why I was doing it, but I think it was an olive branch on my part. I then somehow got a letter or email from him (I'm filling in consistency gaps here) where he said something to the effect of: 'I got your message and I appreciate it. We are cool'. I was actually not even going to mention that dream but thinking about his dad brought the association. When I was growing up in the 1990s I knew this aforementioned kid and he lived with only his dad. It was kind of like a single father affair, I found out however, that he was long term unemployed. There are a generation of adults who were young men and women over the 1980s who had long term unemployment and many of them never went back to work or just lost confidence and hope. When I think of him, I think of what little I have to look forward to. This guy, after some reflection as an adult, probably had moderate or severe depression. I remember another kid in school whose mother had cancer, and he had to leave the school and the area when the mother's cancer was really bad. I think it had something to do with him going to the next of kin/guardians/foster parents.

There was so much darkness around me when I was growing up. In a way I'm glad that my parents didn't go through the tough stuff until after I grew up, and before I grew up. My older brother and sister lived through the 'poor' years. The thing about migrant families is that they normally start out poor and it helps build resilience and give some entrepreneurial spirit. My brother is perpetually broke and my sister's family is middle income but they are still facing some difficulties. What about me? I guess it could be worse for me, I read an article a while back which mentioned a metaphor, not of a graduate career ladder, but being kicked off the ladder before making a step up.

I feel like the world is imploding. The occupy movement has causes that I definately agree with and believe in. People are going through things that they don't deserve. Disability allowances are getting cut, public sector funding on numerous projects are culled and from a personal, selfish perspective. I don't have a career to speak of. I'm actually quite surprised that I could articulate this. About 2 hours ago I was thinking about writing this blog post and I thought to myself: I don't have any words to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe I haven't talked about what I've felt, but typing this post has brought out a lot of feelings.