I've applied for another PhD and I still don't feel I've achieved anything.

Dear Diary,

My ex came to visit yesterday. I was amicable and the perfect host while my parents were away. Perhaps that's all I can say. But I still felt sad when she left. More because I'm not happy with my life and I'm alone.

So today I woke up a bit later than usual. I've made a pattern of not sleeping very much over the past few days, but I don't feel it as much. If I'm honest, I don't feel as shit as I have over the past few days, which is nice. I do feel a little bit off. I think maybe that's the cold weather. The 'dark' times have passed, and I will need to keep that in mind. Today I've worked on mainly household chores, the house isn't in that much a mess, and I've sent off a PhD application! I've also considered that I'm going to apply for a couple of masters degrees again, just for exploring my options. I've done a few of the tasks which have caused me a bit of anxiety.

I've been comparing my mindset with 2005-2006, when my anxiety was really bad. I am surprised at how motivated I was back then, but it was really painful to feel that kind of anxiety. Now, I feel not enough anxiety and not enough motivation. But I do feel niggling things eating away at me. Perhaps that is another form of anxiety. I feel that right now I'll just take a break for a little while. That PhD application was a big emotional drain, as well as looking for those MA positions. Maybe I'll do the gym later.