Entropy

Dear Diary,

Perhaps my feelings can be better expressed in song. At least there is an outlet. I have been talking about stupours for the past few days, and I also know its important when to tell if things are better rather than worse. I'm awake quite early today, I was in a daze in the run up to getting out of bed, planning my day in my head. I was thinking to myself that I need to make a plan before I get up, and then I did have a plan. I can't remember what it was for the life of me right now, though. That's quite amusing. That's the nature of being in a daze.

I planned most of the things that I needed to consider last night. Travel route, guides, prep documents, passport is packed and so forth. I do think that today will be a long one. I finish everything at 4, which means I'll possibly be back home by 5-5:30.I have planned other stuff to do when I get back, but I've also kept in mind that I can just collapse and fall asleep instead. I must have slept about 5 hours or less. The day sky greets me with reluctance, just like a real person.

I feel a tiredness and listlessness in the pit of my stomach, a feeling of 'why bother'. But in my clothes that I find identification with, I look like a different person to how I feel inside. I ask you: why does a graduate scheme need an open day, and a 'familiarisation session' in order to go through with it. I'm only going to fail it so why bother. I feel like the universe might if it were a person: I'm slowing down, eventually nothing will happen inside me, there will just be coldness, stillness, entropy.