Troika

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning with a thought: today has the potential to change everything. Perhaps in spite of that, or because of it, I got up quite soon and without too much trouble. Touch wood, I will hear back from the two interviews that I had over the past 7 days. In review, I've had 3 interviews in a 7 day period as well as worked 3 shifts, and decided to end counselling in 2 more sessions this week. On balance, maybe that covers for the fact that I've not had a chance to apply to many jobs. I've mainly tried to catch up on sleep and everything else. Ideally I'd still keep applying as things developed. 

I'm putting a lot of hope in the result of today. What outcomes could there be?

• Get offer for both jobs
• Get offer for one of the jobs
• Get no offers, start training course on monday
• Get no offers, start training course on monday, wait result of today's interview
• Get no offers, feel emotional crash

When I list it in that way, it doesn't sound as bad, although, I do feel pretty bad about putting so much hope in the results of my interviews. I'm so dependent on powers outside of me that it makes me incredibly vulnerable. That horrific interview last week had quite a dent on me emotionally, since it has been a week of not hearing back from them I expect that I didnt get the role. In addition, their website extended the application deadline by 2 weeks, even when they interviewed me *before* the application deadline. They have inconsistent and seemingly unfair hiring policy. That's not a good sign. Fucking media bastards.

Yesterday I was thinking how I may have weighed up against the other candidates. For the media role, they probably have someone who volunteered at Big Brother's studios or T4 or some other related role and they also happen to be super hot and sexy. For the other role I was interviewed for, they probably have someone with relevant administrative and executive experience who also knows CMS. I feel its much more likely that someone is better suited for the role I was invited to on Monday than others for the media role, but that said, they probably won't let me into the media place either.

So, that means: I'm back to square one already in my mind. IN a way that makes things easier in my mind. I need to think in my head that I didn't get those roles, so I wont' be disappointed. I'm so tired of feeling that I am close to getting the role when I have no chance. Who am I kidding. I have no chance at anything, the voice in my head that makes me want to purge is not external, its mine. In other news, my weight loss is showing more results, which means I'm back on track, and I've my back pain is reduced a lot more since last saturday. That means I can start back at the gym soon.

I guess I need to count any positives...