the storm will pass?

Dear Diary,

My anxiety triggers are more frequent, and worse in kind. I have an increasing feeling that I'm doing things incorrectly. I misread an email this week which meant that by the time I properly read it, I am no longer able to do the training course. So, my back up plan is no longer an option. Everything was in the air this week, so much in the air that I couldn't make good decisions.

It is abundantly clear that I'm still not good at making decisions. I was holding out so much for the best option that my back up plan fucked up, and the 'best options' didn't materialise. Today involved a bit of 'picking myself up'. I didn't do very much today, but I did enough to make the coming days uneventful. I went through an anxiety hell on Friday that had lots of other kinds of emotional repercussions. My plans are mostly dead in the water and all of my hopes and aspirations have been shot down, AGAIN.

I wish I had a way of making it all better. I guess controlled eating has helped. Over the past few days I have made a few good strides in my caloric intake. Namely through logging my calories in a much more stringent way. Feeling anxious has helped kill my appetite. I remember in the bad old days where I'd force myself to eat. I remember in the bad old days that I had uncomfortable and complex feelings that only in certain occaisions I can remember phenomenologically.

I'm going to close the day by simply reading magazines. I'll then listen to some audiobooks and try to remember that the storm will pass. My anxiety trigger for today just now was: an extra shift was offered, but I already had a shift that day (but not a conflicting shift). That means I will have to sign in and out twice. The uncertainty makes me uncomfortable. This sounds so pitiful and small, but it puts me emotionally in a place that has caused me a lot of pain this week. It's like opening the same emotional wound. I wonder how I can talk about this in counselling. How can I end sessions when its getting worse...