Dear Diary,
So, it's Wednesday morning. I've felt quite a lot of feelings over the past 24 hours, even though the day has started, I feel as if I've been through a lot. I've discussed the decision to end counselling with my counsellor. I felt awkward, anxious and uncertain. Like a true counsellor, she pointed out that these are feelings that I hate and situations that I hate putting myself in. I made the point that I need to do this and go through this process of ending, closure, because I didn't have the chance when I was being treated for depression.Strangely enough, once I got home I felt quite depressed (in the non technical sense). I felt sad about how much impact the counsellor has had on my life, it is strange how a woman that I have a non sexual attraction to or a non romantic interest that isn't my mother or sister or some other blood relative could have such an impact on my life.
When I talked through my decision, I felt less certain that it was the right thing to do, but I had as a belief and motivation that I had to end it some time. I talked about how this time of year upsets me because of 'memories' of the past. I'd rather think these days about the present and the amount that I have to do right now. The past is always there to revisit in my thoughts, but I need to live my life as well. So, let's talk a little about the present.
Last night I went to Badminton after counselling, I didn't do any weights but rather I was playing about with my neighbour who is my badminton 'coach'. I finished early and didn't do any cardio training. If I'm honest, that badminton really took it out of me at the time. I ventured home and passed a school friend of mine, we talked for a couple of minutes and then I agreed to meet him for a pint at some point next week. We'll sort it out somehow. As I got home I was so tired that I could barely have the motivation to eat. I snacked mostly instead of properly eating, my mum has been experimenting with a new dish which I quite like. I didn't properly count my calories but I suspect that I was way under 2000. This belief is justified when I got to weigh myself this morning and found that I've lost more weight. Over the past 5 days I have decided to try and take dieting more seriously, I've been far too complacent for two months and I've not lost any weight, but fluctuated around the same weight.
A lot of things have been hovering over my head last night, I've mentioned about this in the previous post, I've also been concerned about whether to cancel my shift, and I've decided to tell the boss (after failing to find someone to give it to) to cancel my place on the shift on Monday. It's 11.5 hours pay, and that would definately be welcome in my pay packet, but I just don't think I can do it. If I don't get the jobs interviewed over the past week, I can start the course.In addition to this, as I woke up my Inbox was filled with an invitation to another interview! It's for a role where my experience at Shambly Arena is relevant. It's another events and hospitality related job, and apparently it's a startup by a group of girly girls apparently they pay better than my current role. Considering all of the modalities and options that I've considered, another part time job might work in addition to a training course...
A lot of things are going on in my head right now, if I were truly rational I'd accord what I am thinking about to what I need to think about, but instead, I'm thinking about 1-2 things that are pertinent to my anxiety, namely: whether I'll get my shift cancelled without a problem; how to cope with life without counselling; will I hear from the job interviewers today?
I need to do something now that I haven't done in ages: I need to actually apply to a job! I've not done proper applications since the Funeral, or even before. In a way I'm glad in that I've actually been busy lately: working and interviews count as good reasons not to do anything else, but I still need to finish my tasks!
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