Kant's Forth Question

Dear Diary,

 

One way that my mind normally works is that the most anxiety-inducing thing is presented as foremost to my thoughts, and then everything else takes a secondary role. At the moment the most anxiety-inducing thing is my counselling session. I've gotten a letter from my counsellor saying that we can talk about ending sessions later today. I don't know if this is awkward, or if there's something I'm supposed to do, it's a new situation and thus, with no precedents, I feel at a loss as to how to react. Thinking about cancelling helps in a little way: I'll have money to possibly make ends actually meet a little bit more.

Other things should take precedence as well, lets make a tally:

1. Job interview yesterday: I need to know if they rejected me. If they haven't, I'm taking it. But then that means I have to turn down the other training scheme, and it depends on how the media company responds to me
2. Media company interview: I need to know if they rejected me.. If they haven't, and the one mentioned in 1. has, I'm going to undergo the next stage of the interview. This may mean I will have to take the disingenuous position of starting the training scheme and then leaving it, if they give me the position. Or I could end up in the highly undesirable position: turn down the training scheme that I've already accepted, and then get rejected. Three birds in the bush, and all I have to fondle are my balls emptied of oppurtunity (grautitous sperm joke)
3. If 1.,2, reject me, then I go for the undesired route of doing the training course. Since I've cancelled counselling I have the extra time to work on tuesdays, as well as the extra money to travel. Again this isn't desirable as I'm delaying the time in which I can one day get full time work.

Let me ask another question: what do I really want here?

1. Get a job
2. Maybe get a job that I like
3. Preferably get a job that fits a career profile
4. Get more money
5. With more money comes independence
6. I can stop being so dependent on my parents
7. I might have a shot at moving out and getting on the esteemed housing ladder
8. With a proper job I can go out with girls, go on dates, have fun times out, engage in activity hobbies that don't involve masturbating while listening to a 10 hour limit of music on spotify over youtube videos. I can go and see opera, lieder, go on proper holidays, take motorcyle lessons
9. Potential hope: Fund a PhD, or Masters ....

All of these basically answer to one thing: Getting a job will get my life back. No more limbo.

I feel as if I've set myself up for disappointment. The bastards who rejected me last month at the 'thinktank' really upset me. I had my hopes and aspirations set for that role and I ended up going nowhere. I even had to cancel on counselling for that. Is it possible for me to get my life back, get a job and a career, get a place to live in, earn a wage? These are the big questions that I never talk about or even think about, but really, that's why I'm doing all of this job search and job application bullshit that fills almost all of my day.

I feel more and more in recent days that I've been myself a lot more. I've been in a lot of social contact with people: interviews, friends, girls who like me and colleagues at work, that it's changing me a little bit as a person. I am changing in recent weeks. It's okay to change, it's not like I've stopped reading audiobooks and technical academic journal articles, hell, it's not that I've even given up on my fitness goals! (Note: lately I've had a bad back so I've put off training for a few days, I'm going to train later, but probably only cardio or things which dont hurt my back).

I suspect that the answer to some of these issues will resolve themselves as the days go on. I can't keep waiting though. The past three days I've not been terribly active (despite the fact that I had an interview and went to work yesterday, I didn't do any 'thinking' of my own) I've really beared my naked soul for this blog post, all the more to express how I really feel, in order for life to just crush me again. I'm always thinking and preparing for the worst...but can I hope?