I went to a party yesterday. It was horrible. The less about it the better. So, lets just go onwards.
The weather in the past few days has been lovely; however it is also inescapable. I felt so hot last night that I seemingly took off my underpants while laying in bed, and I also remember that I was fondling a hardon. I don't know what that was about. I just hope there weren't any mosquitoes in the room ...
So, lets talk about the present. I have a book review coming up, and a book to finish. I have been purging lately, and getting a lot of 'mia' thoughts. I've also been wanking way too much to be productive, it was like when I lived in that student flat last year. It's coming to be over a year soon. One positive thing about having a party is that I spent all day walking about, on my feet and only eating sociably. I drank a lot (read: drank sociably) and it made me feel a bit depressed. I see a depressing side of my friends that i do not really with to be a part of.
For breakfast, I've had a lovely 5-6 inches of a baguette, copiously accompanied with some lovely yellow spread. It really hits the spot, as I felt a bit of hunger pang. I could blame people around me; the influence of friends, the negative influence of parents, the bleak and shitty post-recession Britain with its lack of jobs, or my poor luck in interviews. Or I could just get on, and maybe move on from the honeymoon of emotions I had on Thursday about my phd offer.
So, now what? I'm going to put the breakfast plate downstairs into the kitchen. I'll then take some supplements and pollen allergy tablet. My arms are unbelievably hairy, and I'm wearing a vest today. I feel a little self conscious on a great many fronts. I hope I can eat as little as possible. I remember the joys of having bulimia:
1. The suffocation you have when food get blocked behind your mouth, so you gag and hold your breath in panic and then purge a bit load to get that bit out.
2. the feeling of elation after vomiting
3. Hiding it
4. Losing weight
5. Having a thinner body
6. Having a secret gives me power
7. having something i can hold on to without it being taken away. i suppose the cliche is to say, its something i can control when the rest of the world is falling apart.
i dont think a girl would be into a guy with an eating disorder. but i am not ready for girls, as unfortunate it is to admit. Just look at that belly of mine. I don't like to be reminded of it. Sometimes people really get on my nerves. I think that if I give them a different response they will react differently, another way of control.
That's what I want. Control, because I'm losing control. Losing the fight. Let's see how this week unfolds. Maybe some positives.
The weather in the past few days has been lovely; however it is also inescapable. I felt so hot last night that I seemingly took off my underpants while laying in bed, and I also remember that I was fondling a hardon. I don't know what that was about. I just hope there weren't any mosquitoes in the room ...
So, lets talk about the present. I have a book review coming up, and a book to finish. I have been purging lately, and getting a lot of 'mia' thoughts. I've also been wanking way too much to be productive, it was like when I lived in that student flat last year. It's coming to be over a year soon. One positive thing about having a party is that I spent all day walking about, on my feet and only eating sociably. I drank a lot (read: drank sociably) and it made me feel a bit depressed. I see a depressing side of my friends that i do not really with to be a part of.
For breakfast, I've had a lovely 5-6 inches of a baguette, copiously accompanied with some lovely yellow spread. It really hits the spot, as I felt a bit of hunger pang. I could blame people around me; the influence of friends, the negative influence of parents, the bleak and shitty post-recession Britain with its lack of jobs, or my poor luck in interviews. Or I could just get on, and maybe move on from the honeymoon of emotions I had on Thursday about my phd offer.
So, now what? I'm going to put the breakfast plate downstairs into the kitchen. I'll then take some supplements and pollen allergy tablet. My arms are unbelievably hairy, and I'm wearing a vest today. I feel a little self conscious on a great many fronts. I hope I can eat as little as possible. I remember the joys of having bulimia:
1. The suffocation you have when food get blocked behind your mouth, so you gag and hold your breath in panic and then purge a bit load to get that bit out.
2. the feeling of elation after vomiting
3. Hiding it
4. Losing weight
5. Having a thinner body
6. Having a secret gives me power
7. having something i can hold on to without it being taken away. i suppose the cliche is to say, its something i can control when the rest of the world is falling apart.
i dont think a girl would be into a guy with an eating disorder. but i am not ready for girls, as unfortunate it is to admit. Just look at that belly of mine. I don't like to be reminded of it. Sometimes people really get on my nerves. I think that if I give them a different response they will react differently, another way of control.
That's what I want. Control, because I'm losing control. Losing the fight. Let's see how this week unfolds. Maybe some positives.
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