I'm feeling down.
Today I'm feeling down about what didn't happen. I'll tell you what didn't happen today; I didn't get a call saying I got the job. That means, I didn't get the job. I was putting so much hope in it.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK!!!
I'm more sad than angry. Earlier, I was more tired than sad. I napped for about 4 hours. I put on a comforting audiobook on about american history and class warfare. Now I'm awake, and the sun is setting. I'm alone and I feel shit. I felt too tired to call the job centre today. I thought, why bother. Lets focus on positives for today.
1. I spent time at the Police Station. I had a bit of a panic moment. Official secrets act means I can't say what happened. Needless to say, It felt shitty.
2. I got an offer from the internship interview I went to about two weeks ago. The reply was late, so I thought I didn't get it. So. I have two internships offered to me. In a way thats better than one internship, and in a way; it's actually more encouraging than turning down one or both of them. If I take them both up (which I will). I will have experience with working in a political organisation and a lobbying/not for profit group. I suppose that might assist with my employability.
The ideal result of getting that job I went for yesterday, didn't materialise. I guess I have to just get on with things. Persevere, as they say.
I feel like going out and having some takeaway. I'm that desperate. I could go to the chinese place that I always go to; or I could visit the new kebab takeaway place that's around the corner. I'm tempted for the latter, even if only to venture into something new. I really shouldn't, though. My body tells me to seek comfort; and my mia tells me to withhold.
If I judge my food record by what I've eaten now. Today has been fairly good. I didn't eat any breakfast but when I got home today from the nick, I had a fairly substantial lunch; Chicken, veggie lasagne (leftovers from yesterday) and also a couple of pastries.
I feel really lonely right now. I feel that I could just type and type and type and maybe someone is reading and listening.
I don't want to stop blogging right now I feel like this is the only window into my candour.
Throughout my day, over the past couple of years; I've kept my candour to a minimum. I suppose even before Mia, even before Antonia and Marie, I've kept quiet. I see that quietude as a little bit of a virtue. On the other hand, it's a hindrance to keep yourself to yourself.
It protects me and often I've found that not telling how you really feel has benefitted. I'm feeling a bit down today because I felt that I really had a chance with this job interview I was waiting on. Instead I have radio silence and rejection.
I feel so powerless and the only real person I've actually opened up to lately is a voice in my head. I suppose that's pretty low. I'll do what she wants because I have little resistance.
Today I'm feeling down about what didn't happen. I'll tell you what didn't happen today; I didn't get a call saying I got the job. That means, I didn't get the job. I was putting so much hope in it.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK!!!
I'm more sad than angry. Earlier, I was more tired than sad. I napped for about 4 hours. I put on a comforting audiobook on about american history and class warfare. Now I'm awake, and the sun is setting. I'm alone and I feel shit. I felt too tired to call the job centre today. I thought, why bother. Lets focus on positives for today.
1. I spent time at the Police Station. I had a bit of a panic moment. Official secrets act means I can't say what happened. Needless to say, It felt shitty.
2. I got an offer from the internship interview I went to about two weeks ago. The reply was late, so I thought I didn't get it. So. I have two internships offered to me. In a way thats better than one internship, and in a way; it's actually more encouraging than turning down one or both of them. If I take them both up (which I will). I will have experience with working in a political organisation and a lobbying/not for profit group. I suppose that might assist with my employability.
The ideal result of getting that job I went for yesterday, didn't materialise. I guess I have to just get on with things. Persevere, as they say.
I feel like going out and having some takeaway. I'm that desperate. I could go to the chinese place that I always go to; or I could visit the new kebab takeaway place that's around the corner. I'm tempted for the latter, even if only to venture into something new. I really shouldn't, though. My body tells me to seek comfort; and my mia tells me to withhold.
If I judge my food record by what I've eaten now. Today has been fairly good. I didn't eat any breakfast but when I got home today from the nick, I had a fairly substantial lunch; Chicken, veggie lasagne (leftovers from yesterday) and also a couple of pastries.
I feel really lonely right now. I feel that I could just type and type and type and maybe someone is reading and listening.
I don't want to stop blogging right now I feel like this is the only window into my candour.
Throughout my day, over the past couple of years; I've kept my candour to a minimum. I suppose even before Mia, even before Antonia and Marie, I've kept quiet. I see that quietude as a little bit of a virtue. On the other hand, it's a hindrance to keep yourself to yourself.
It protects me and often I've found that not telling how you really feel has benefitted. I'm feeling a bit down today because I felt that I really had a chance with this job interview I was waiting on. Instead I have radio silence and rejection.
I feel so powerless and the only real person I've actually opened up to lately is a voice in my head. I suppose that's pretty low. I'll do what she wants because I have little resistance.
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