I think the good thing about distress is the amount of healthy weight loss. I've really lost a significant amount of weight these past few days. That's all good and well, but the real marker; the real question is if I keep it lost.
I've dieted for the past few days. I've kept a calorie limit of about 1671 KCals. The awesome thing about it is that I slowly feel my attitude towards food altering. I do not have as many cravings toward binging. According to my records, I've lost a significant amount of weight. The gradient is almost as steep as when I had mia the first time. By these calculations I will be sexy within 6-8 months.
Lately I've started to fancy a girl; its a girl I chat to online. I know how loser-y that must sound, but she seems really nice. She's a domestic goddess, she likes similar music to me, she'se sensitive, caring, and quite sexy if I say so myself. The best thing of all is that she thinks nice things of me. Here's the clincher. It will never work; too far away. But it makes me smile because she's a great girl, and she makes for a nice friend. Its funny that, those anonymous friends on the internet. It's so teenaged. Sometimes I think people like her are my only friends. As I keep isolated from almost everyone else.
I've not purged in a good few days, and this weight loss plan is difficult, but it has had the most progress in any project I've involved myself in sofar. Today I'm off to do some interning. Updating and creating administrative systems and other general office tasks. It must be the most soul emptying job in the world. If I weren't so sadistic I'd not do it. I am doing it because I hate myself already.
Losing weight is the only thing I can hold on to. At least I have that. I hope to get my JSA paid in, backlog or no backlog. It fucking sucks. I hate having no money. I'm kind of trying to sort that situation out by getting a job. I might go into an agency at some point. Can't hurt, and I've hurt my pride enough to do so. I've finally finished that book I was reading and I can hopefully start a book review soon, which will be nice. I will aim to do it for today, but we'll see how it goes. I'll have a nice train journey. Last night I updated my mp3 player by skimming of about 150 tracks of bands I say that I like but I really hate their specific album. One finnish band I really like, only relates to their work in the 90s. In the 00s they went commercial and old. I'm looking forward to going around the summer days in a T-shirt and not feeling awkward. I want to wear cords again, and I want to feel special.
Two out of three won't be too bad.
I want to ask myself today: how are you feeling?
My answer: I don't know, but I found black metal quite comforting yesterday. In a way, I begin to understand when my old housemate called it cathartic. That music, with its bitter and dissonant riffs, expresses a depth of despair and inner disquiet that I cannot allow myself to express. One day I'll be special. One day....
For now, I'll just work towards who I want to be. All I can think of is that person will be thin. Hopefully I'll avoid McDonalds today. I'll see to having a lunch break, or packed lunch. Be that the case, I ought to clean my laptop and get going. I don't want to be late for that train.
Thank you for being a means of my expression. I am not human without blogging on here. I am otherwise utterly isolated, from my family, my friends, and sometimes even myself. This is the lie I live, and it can only be a lie if I have a world somewhere else in which I can be genuine. It is here that I express, and tread upon those troubled waters beneath. I'm in shock, but the more I say what happened to myself, the more I can begin to accept it. After I contemplate on the event of my rejection, I am then led to two further thoughts:
1. What now? (immediate)
2. What now? (medium-long term)
I'm going to be 24 soon and I feel terribly depressed about it. I have two choices. Purge or starve.
That's the story of my life. Metaphorical and literal. I'm fading away, starving, bit by bit of me disassembled by the world, and its rejection of me. Starve: let the world destroy me. Or I could purge: slowly kill myself before the world puts me out to pasture.
Anyway. I better be off. I'll be nice, civil and quiet for my internship. My persona will stay as it is. The mask to hide my pain.
I've dieted for the past few days. I've kept a calorie limit of about 1671 KCals. The awesome thing about it is that I slowly feel my attitude towards food altering. I do not have as many cravings toward binging. According to my records, I've lost a significant amount of weight. The gradient is almost as steep as when I had mia the first time. By these calculations I will be sexy within 6-8 months.
Lately I've started to fancy a girl; its a girl I chat to online. I know how loser-y that must sound, but she seems really nice. She's a domestic goddess, she likes similar music to me, she'se sensitive, caring, and quite sexy if I say so myself. The best thing of all is that she thinks nice things of me. Here's the clincher. It will never work; too far away. But it makes me smile because she's a great girl, and she makes for a nice friend. Its funny that, those anonymous friends on the internet. It's so teenaged. Sometimes I think people like her are my only friends. As I keep isolated from almost everyone else.
I've not purged in a good few days, and this weight loss plan is difficult, but it has had the most progress in any project I've involved myself in sofar. Today I'm off to do some interning. Updating and creating administrative systems and other general office tasks. It must be the most soul emptying job in the world. If I weren't so sadistic I'd not do it. I am doing it because I hate myself already.
Losing weight is the only thing I can hold on to. At least I have that. I hope to get my JSA paid in, backlog or no backlog. It fucking sucks. I hate having no money. I'm kind of trying to sort that situation out by getting a job. I might go into an agency at some point. Can't hurt, and I've hurt my pride enough to do so. I've finally finished that book I was reading and I can hopefully start a book review soon, which will be nice. I will aim to do it for today, but we'll see how it goes. I'll have a nice train journey. Last night I updated my mp3 player by skimming of about 150 tracks of bands I say that I like but I really hate their specific album. One finnish band I really like, only relates to their work in the 90s. In the 00s they went commercial and old. I'm looking forward to going around the summer days in a T-shirt and not feeling awkward. I want to wear cords again, and I want to feel special.
Two out of three won't be too bad.
I want to ask myself today: how are you feeling?
My answer: I don't know, but I found black metal quite comforting yesterday. In a way, I begin to understand when my old housemate called it cathartic. That music, with its bitter and dissonant riffs, expresses a depth of despair and inner disquiet that I cannot allow myself to express. One day I'll be special. One day....
For now, I'll just work towards who I want to be. All I can think of is that person will be thin. Hopefully I'll avoid McDonalds today. I'll see to having a lunch break, or packed lunch. Be that the case, I ought to clean my laptop and get going. I don't want to be late for that train.
Thank you for being a means of my expression. I am not human without blogging on here. I am otherwise utterly isolated, from my family, my friends, and sometimes even myself. This is the lie I live, and it can only be a lie if I have a world somewhere else in which I can be genuine. It is here that I express, and tread upon those troubled waters beneath. I'm in shock, but the more I say what happened to myself, the more I can begin to accept it. After I contemplate on the event of my rejection, I am then led to two further thoughts:
1. What now? (immediate)
2. What now? (medium-long term)
I'm going to be 24 soon and I feel terribly depressed about it. I have two choices. Purge or starve.
That's the story of my life. Metaphorical and literal. I'm fading away, starving, bit by bit of me disassembled by the world, and its rejection of me. Starve: let the world destroy me. Or I could purge: slowly kill myself before the world puts me out to pasture.
Anyway. I better be off. I'll be nice, civil and quiet for my internship. My persona will stay as it is. The mask to hide my pain.
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