Worries

I've told Antonia about my eating disorder. She feels very worried about me. For the past few days she has been calling me, telling me that she loves me, that she cares aout me and says that I should eat; and that I should get better. Often she cries.

What I feel is that I have upset her from what I am doing. Yes, purging is hard, and so is my academic work; but I must do it. I feel sad that I make her cry; for I seem to be the cause of her pain, and I don't feel okay with that. I guess I should reach my target as soon as possible and then I will not have to purge anymore...

I talked to Marie yesterday as well; Marie said some various things...I am working myself to exhaustion. How I need to take a break over the easter. How there is no imperatives, (no 'shoulds' or 'musts', in her terminology) that bind me, and that I don't have to follow any standard.

Later on that day, I facilitated phone sex with Antonia...I wanted to make her feel good, I didn't feel as aroused or pleasured in return. I want Antonia to feel okay; she's having a hard time in her own life. I want to give soemthing to her.