My faults

Here are a list of my faults. I'll ty to be as reasonable, yet honest, as I can. What do I mean to say that I am being honest?

I suppose what I mean by honest is being self-critical in a way that normally I would otherwise try to ignore my own errors, or try to explain them away. I make mistakes, and all too often people think that they make mistakes but objectively go overboard, i think about those women who say that they are ugly, or fat, but are just beautiful the way they are. But no, I don't mean these faults, I mean the kind of faults that I have that I am trying to realise that are firstly, problematic and signs of bad character, and secondly, things I should try to improve upon.

So; I'll try to address the faults that I have, as I think of them right now; and address them in two ways; firstly, trying to come to terms with why these things are in me, not so much to allocate blame or pass the buck onto someone else, but to see that I am reacting in some habitual way, or how fundamental it is to my character it is to have this fault; and secondly, I shall try to consider ways to move on and improve. Right now this feels very difficult to do; as I type this now I am expressing my very innermost thoughts, I don't know what I will conlude, this is not a planned piece of writing, but I am merely thinking aloud; albeit in this fairly structured manner that I have set about.

So, thinking aloud I am exploring myself, typing is just the extention of my expression of these thoughts.

Anger

I always used to hold in my anger almost at every cost, even when it was legitimate and justified. I remember this passage in the bible when Christ gets angry at people who are selling stuff in the temple. I remember my teachers telling me it is okay to be angry and challenge authority when they are unjust. I always thought of the state as just, that I was brought up with thinking that authority figures maintained their authority insofar as they were given powers to look out for others. Marie once told me, that isn't the real world.

After I got put in hospital, I was very frightened. I'll try not to think too much about this memory cos it might cause a 'trigger', even though I know I have my finger on the 'trigger', I haven't pulled it yet, so I need to say as little as possible.

There was a moment when I was met by this external doctor; he told me I was blackmailed, and coerced. He told me "you have rights". I was very docile and maleable in that horrid place, sometimes, submission is the only way to cope when you are overpowered. I couldn't fight because I thought at the time I couldn't win; I was obeying them to minimise damage. As I think about this, I feel like I have triggered, I feel the anger pumping into me slowly, so I better stop talking about this experience.

I mentioned the experience, and risked triggering to say this, when I realsied what hey did was wrong, I got angry at the doctor, I remember his name now, my mind repeating his name, I remember his face, as I get angry now; let me stop thinking about this, let me try to get on with this mental excercise I have set myself.

I get angry, and that was the first time, before then, I always knew how to put a lid on the anger, and it is like I have broken a seal, which I cannot repair. I can get angry at things very easily, some things I would stop and think this is unreasonable to get angry at, other things, like genuine incompetence, or genuine irrational thinking which I must embarrass others by showing the errors of their thinking that they assume to be correct, I have no boundary for my anger. I am feeling angry now... I better stop talking about this. I have to go out later today, if I trigger now I will have ruined my day....I guess I'll talk about my other faults. I'm sorry everyone. Lets consider another fault.

Arrogance

I'm a postgraduate; and I worked very hard in the past, even though my depression makes it difficult to work to the best of my ability, which means I am very angry at myself and I feel great disappointment and shame about this calamity; I feel angry at others and this is not the same as the feeling I talked about above (that I suddenly stopped addressing); this is different.

This feeling I have stems from a certain feeling; superiority. Not my own, but the inferiority of others; to call others inferior, I suppose, is to deem my own superiority by some kind of assumption by virtue of reference to them. I dislike the doctors, I think they are incompetent, yes, that is anger, but when I try to articulate this feeling with appeal to my intellect, i guess I refer to ethics, philosophy of science, and other such things, I use the techniques, concepts and tools I was brought up with to attack their actions, criticise them, and expect a stimulating debate and structured discussion as regards the error of their ways; is my reasoning wrong about how I think of what they done? I cannto get an answer because they don't answer my questions: apparently the talk of ethics and philosophy is too technical for them. I get angry (see above feeling), but I express it through this elitism.

Marie said I was arrogant, and her facebook profile says that she doesn't like people who are arrogant; it's a turnoff. I feel like I can't meet her standards, her ideals, her adequacy of being close to her; because of my arrogance, after thinking this, I decided to write this article.

So I'm elitist? Elitist about what? Going to good universities, being properly educated, giving everything you beleive in the best effort you can, being disciplined, being respectful to those who know more than you, those seminal figures who are important in certain issues and research; and knowing the academic literature.

If I'm talking to someone who has an expertise in something; if they purport to 'knowing' anything about their area, I expect them to know the literature, isn't that the convention these days? If i am an expert on population, I must know about Malthus; If I am an expert on dystopian literature, I sure as hell should have ready Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.

Okay, so I'm arrogant, I'm guessing that's a relevant reason as to why Marie isn't interested in me. Its bad; and it has been in the way of potential relationships in the past. But, really, I guess I feel so hurt at the poss of the chance ofbeing closer to Marie I'd do anything, even if it is too late, to repair myself; even if it is futile.....

Okay, so I'm arrogant. Maybe I should just word myself better around people; keep calm. I think the arrogance is twinned with the anger, but not one and the same as it.

Okay; so what other faults do I have? I think I am able to say more thoughts about my anger; so I'll do that

Anger (continued)

Before I used to have a limit of not hallenging authority figures; but now, I would challenge any authority. I would should at the hospital managers. Shouting used to make me anxious, still does to some extent. When I was a kid it scared me to see adults angry.

Now I'm a grownup, and I get angry, it doesn't scare me, in fact, I don't think anything of it. I get angry sometimes, I guess I realise that I'm angry, but I feel no regret, I could kill someone and I'd feel at the time I have no regret. Today I shouted at my mum because of inadequate reasoning (she applied an enthymeme); I shouted hard at her; I thought later about it, maybe I ridiculed her, I hope I did. I hope that when I shout at doctors they feel afraid. They should be afraid of my challenge, it is only that I feel strongly for what I say; I feel strongly about certain issues that I get angry about it, that does include my academic work as well.

I have more to say about these faults; but perhaps another time...

How will I improve? I guess the first important thing is to ask why am I feeling this way? secondly is this response approriate? and lastly, do they deserve this treatment?

Usually I can answer the two last questions with "yes", the first one? I don't know why. I feel my introspective sense has just blunted out right now. My concentration is dead.

Thank you for letting me vent...