My journey to small sized shirts

I've got a thing for emphasising my bodily features that I like. One way of expressing this is through big boots, which, because of my surprisingly thick calves and thighs, don't look too big, but I look built and a little muscular (at least from the waist down so far).

Now, above the waist, I used to have a lot of fat; that's reduced quite severely. In the past, I used to wear XL going on XXL longsleeve crewneck shirts. Today, I went to Gap and bought a stretch range (which is almost like lycra) longsleeve crewneck, sized small.

The story of my appearance change which began from the start of my blog (the start of my blog roughly coincides with when I started purging) is as follows:

September (2007): 240lbs, XXL, sweating whenever I attended to the least of physical activity; peak of social activity with girls - MSN with girls who have been turned down by other guys who saw me as last resort, but there was also a couple of really special girls that I knew.

September (mid): started purging, anxiety seemed to start to get back to me. Problems with starting masters degree, finding place to live: waist size 38-40

October-November: Purging continues; not much marked change in appearance, but I do find I have migrated from XL to L; not quite ready to stay on L at first; but then they become interchangeable, they both look and fit the same on me, then, XL start to feel too big. Waist size 38 starting to fall down my waist

December-Janurary: Appearance notibly changed. L is looking a little big, started to experiment with M; looks good, but I look a little tubby and it looks tight on me. Looking tight in an M started to seem appealing eventually, and at this point I begin to wear M in public. At Christmas my friends notice my start of weight change. Weight now is 190lbs. I develop RSI from university work causing pain in typing.

Feburary: Explorations of my body, I find subtle changes in my body as I go through the days; purging is not a habit, but an occaisional treat; some days I purge like a glutton would binge. I find that my waists feel bony, my collarbone has returned to me, my man-boobs are going down, my ribs are showing, my arms are showing more muscle definition, and the flabby part underneath my waist but just above my penis is significantly deflated.

My legs become more muscular and defined, my RSI pains are more profound and prolific, but I endure them over the pain of purging. I being to feel comfortable just going out in my T shirt; I feel sexy, I feel attractive, I feel fashionable, I feel lonely.

March: I am now 'small'; I started to find that there were creases in my medium shirts; I no longer filled them out so as they looked 'tight', but they made me look fat for the opposite reason that they are getting a little too big; like how the XXL looked big.

This is just provisional, I look good in a tight S shirt; but I have more to go; I have belly fat and man boobs to remove...

Why must I purge to aspire to this male adonis? I do not desire beauty, but it seems the only way I can look different so that people will treat me differently.

I want to be loved. I am losing control...I hope I can fit into the Gap XS sizes!!!