this post indicates that I really should go to bed now

Dear Diary,

 

It's the 13th of January already?Thinking about this fact makes me miss my friends. I really enjoyed the two or so weeks in which I spent lots of time with a few of them. I enjoy the motivation that I recieved from the intensive training that I recieved by one friend at the gym. I've taken stock of that and kept to my resolution of a minimum of 3 sessions a week. This is actually a conservative estimate, as I did 5 sessions last week. I aim to do 5 this week, if my body would allow it.

Today I applied to 3 jobs. I tried sorting out a laptop problem ,looked at some job boards, and then I got upset. I binged a bit (my fault), and other little things depressed me. One thing is the fact that my employers are getting a bit snooty. They are getting stricter on the working uniform, and they are enforcing a 30 minute pay deduction for a mandatory lunch break for over 6 hour shifts. This isn't so good from the perspective of losing 30 mins pay. A few things have had the potential, and actuality of upsetting me, my laptop's fan breaking down for one. Another is that I could have had a job interview if I just answered the phone 2 days ago. I fucked it up because of my anxiety. I feel really fucking pissed off at that. Private sector bastards.

They say you learn from your mistakes, I say to such people: fuck you. I'm tired of my lack of success, and I have nobody but myself to attribute this to. There are a few positive things to dwell on. I've got a choir rehearsal in a few days, I'm seeing my cousin later today for dinner. I got paid for tutoring and finished marking an essay tonight and I'm also learning to code. Things could certainly be a lot better than they are now, but they could also be worse. It's grey leaning on black. I had a few moments earlier today where mia (the bad one) was influencing me. I didn't purge, but I did play to her manipulations. The dark thoughts are hard to resist sometimes. Especially when one's brain becomes all 'fuzzy'.

My plan is to go to bed (it's bloody late), and then wake up for a Pilates class in the morning, then maybe do some errands, finish my book review to submit (I just need to format it to the house style), maybe some applications and then visit my cousin. The pace of the day is quite straightforward. I wish that I wasn't so mediocre. I'm glad that I've started to learn Javascript. I can upgrade my nerddom a bit more.