Just when the new year felt pretty good

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was pretty uneventful, however I did find that I managed to complete more than previous days. In terms of job applications I've sent two applications for freelance and editorial related roles. One was for a sorta academic publisher, another was for a one-off editor role for someone's manuscript. I started the day by going to the garden. I'm going to admit something a little bit dark, I looked up some of the people on linkdin and facebook just to learn about them. I then found that the girl I sorta had a twinkle for is seeing a guy (story of my life) who I'm guessing is either a junior doctor or med student.I then out of some bizarre curiosity, sought to look for a girl I had a crush on during my sixth form days. Exactly why I wanted to do this I'm hardly sure. I then found that she is seeing a guy, and judging by how many pictures there are of children, she's a mum now, also the guy is at least 40, and she's probably 25/26 now, I guess most people think that's not problematic. I'm really a fucked up voyeur.

So I spent the rest of the day mostly catching up on things. My body isn't aching like shit anymore, which is nice, and I looked at a bit of porn. Upon realising that I couldn't jerk myself off anymore I ended up doing productive things, which is generally the way with me. I reflected upon my targets and on review I have completed the following in the first week of January

8 applications (arguably 6)

5 Training sessions

2 Situations of anxiety

A bit of piano practice

Finished book review book - counts towards reading.

It's not a bad start, for high standards that I've set for myself I would say it's pretty good, exceeding in some goals but not others. I guess that's the reality of life. So now I'm getting on with my day. I almost forgot about what I went on here to post about. Over the past few days my alienware has been experiencing a loudness which I was guessing was in the fan area. I realised that the loudness was in the fan area and then I tried looking up on google and such to sort it out. It was nearly 4am last night and I had a severe anxiety moment. For some reason, my mind went to September 2008, when I was handing in my Dissertation and I was told that I failed an essay.

Reflecting on this is reflection upon the darkest period in my life, the darkest place in my mind. I find it difficult to talk about because it shows everything that I hate about myself, it shows my vulnerabilities and weaknesses in a way that I am deeply ashamed of. Because of my purging, because of my arrogance and because of my obsession to help people like Marie, I fucked up my masters degree and ended up chewed out of university at the time when the world's economies went to shit. I guess since then, I've been trying to get back pieces of my life, and moving on.

I'm reminded of that moment because it defined EVERYTHING, and it still does. I used to be arrogant and rude and daring. That one moment took everything out of me and transformed me into something else. In some ways it made me better, in lots of ways it made me worse. It is a metaphorical punch to the chest, a car crash. Just a messy computer fan would remind me of this and make me regress. When I woke up this morning, I didn't go to the gym. I soberly got out of bed and tried to get the dust out of the fan by using a vacuum, it worked, at least so far it seems to work, but I can't remove the trigger experience, nor can I forget what it reminded me of. I'm still reeling from that punch in the chest. The rest of my life could be defined by how I respond to it. What I do now, right now as I post this blog and go on with my day, defines if I'm affected by what happened those years ago...