This morning I am feeling a little down today.
I'm in bed right now, typing from the external keyboard. My motivation is down at the moment. Part of the reason is getting the rejection for the job yesterday. Another part of it is everything else. I wonder why I bother carrying on sometimes. I feel lonely and isolated. I feel hopeless and despairing. Can I prove to myself that I have the will to move forward? Can I prove to myself that I can forge a new identity through fire and steel? I don't know. In days like these, I imagine mia next to me, as if she's a girl.
Mia has dark hair, pale skin and knows everything about me, the projection of her gives me comfort and that inward sense of security. I have memories. August perhaps, of all months, is the most difficult so far in terms of memories. I'd want to purge but my throat is empty. Perhaps I might start off with a wank, or a substantial breakfast, or perhaps some way in between. I'm not feeling great today, I'll try to forge something slowly.
One step at a time, that's what my old self used to say. I'm tired of platittudes, I've heard enough of them in my life. What my present self would say is that action is what matters.
I'm typing this post because I have no one else to share my feelings or my identity with.
I'm ever so slowly fading away. No one is there to catch me, no one is there to love me right now. There's a thought that comes to my hea, one that is very pernicious and frightening. What if I am becoming like that guy who died a couple of months ago? He stayed in his room all day doing nothing with his life. I am turning into him. My greatest fear, incarnated as me.
I don't say this often, but I feel despearate, I wish someone is here to help me right now. I wish I didn't have to be alone right now. Someone please help me.
I'm in bed right now, typing from the external keyboard. My motivation is down at the moment. Part of the reason is getting the rejection for the job yesterday. Another part of it is everything else. I wonder why I bother carrying on sometimes. I feel lonely and isolated. I feel hopeless and despairing. Can I prove to myself that I have the will to move forward? Can I prove to myself that I can forge a new identity through fire and steel? I don't know. In days like these, I imagine mia next to me, as if she's a girl.
Mia has dark hair, pale skin and knows everything about me, the projection of her gives me comfort and that inward sense of security. I have memories. August perhaps, of all months, is the most difficult so far in terms of memories. I'd want to purge but my throat is empty. Perhaps I might start off with a wank, or a substantial breakfast, or perhaps some way in between. I'm not feeling great today, I'll try to forge something slowly.
One step at a time, that's what my old self used to say. I'm tired of platittudes, I've heard enough of them in my life. What my present self would say is that action is what matters.
I'm typing this post because I have no one else to share my feelings or my identity with.
I'm ever so slowly fading away. No one is there to catch me, no one is there to love me right now. There's a thought that comes to my hea, one that is very pernicious and frightening. What if I am becoming like that guy who died a couple of months ago? He stayed in his room all day doing nothing with his life. I am turning into him. My greatest fear, incarnated as me.
I don't say this often, but I feel despearate, I wish someone is here to help me right now. I wish I didn't have to be alone right now. Someone please help me.
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