dear diary.

something is wrong with my mind this week. My concentration, my focus, my will power is at an all time low. I don't feel like crying or I don't feel sad. I guess I could be depressed but I am functional in a certain kind of way. 

But I'm not functional in others. 

People think of the goals in life in gestalt terms. The big achievements. I haven't achieved my big achievement and I feel it won't ever happen. Having said that, some of the things I didn't think were possible would come to pass. I have a pension, I'm in full time work. I'm possibly due for a pay rise of 5.5% I'll be up 2k hopefully. 

Every week I republish on my google keep a list of goals. 'Aeneas Schema' is the list of those big gestalt goals. 

Those goals consist of specific achievements: 29% bodyfat, weight down to 105kg, learn more coding. I have specific wellbeing goals, try to do new things, create a better life for yourself, pro social behaviours. Be clean, no drugs and no drunkeness.

One of my financial goals I have achieved now. I've got 30k in savings. I might amend that goal to 35k by the end of the year. Maybe I'll get to 40 by December. 

Another thing on my schema is 'do things for the right reasons'. I dont really know why I do the things I do. I think I've lost a lot of my motivation because I've lost my sense of purpose. There's a lot of stuff eating at me.

I've got a big list of things to do. I'll just get on with them now. Maybe by midnight I'll be so tired I need to sleep.